You Can't Love A Dead Person

Oikawa's POV

[Okay I know the warning is in the description of the book, but I really mean it this time. THIS CHAPTER IS A TRIGGER FOR SELF HARM AND SUICIDAL THOUGHTS OR ACTIONS! Please don't read this if you have been feeling depressed, but instead, dm me. I am always here to talk, and I love each and every one of you so so much. As always, thanks for reading.]

This is what I wanted. This was the goal that I had been trying to achieve for so long now. So why am I not happy about it?

I can finally leave, without feeling guilty about leaving anything behind. Nobody will be sad, and nobody will miss me. Even though this doesn't feel right, I know that it's far too late to go back on my plan. I grab my phone, and walk back out the apartment.

"Oikawa wait! I can't leave things like this!" Iwa calls, but by then, I'm already down a flight of stairs. I can't go back to him. I have a route planned for where I need to go after this. There's only one bridge nearby that is tall enough for what I need to do.

As I walk to the bridge, I debate what I should tell Iwa, if anything at all. I can't leave him like this, because then he will blame himself for the breakup that he will believe caused my death, which actually isn't the case at all. I've been depressed since eighth grade, and I've been suicidal since eleventh grade.

Once I'm about two blocks I call Iwa, praying that it goes to voicemail. I don't think I can talk to him right now, much less explain to him what I'm going to do and why I'm doing it. The phone rings twice, and then a third time.

"You have reached the voicemail box of Iwaizumi Hajime. Please leave a message after the tone." the phone's robotic voice says. I wait for the beep to sound, then start my message.

"Hey Iwa, if by the time you get this I'll probably be dead. I guess you could call this a suicide note. I'm sending it to you because you were my lifeline, I was only living because I didn't want you to be sad when I left." I explain. "I'm sorry for pushing you away. It's not that I hate you, I could never hate you, but I was scared. I just can't deal with all of this, and I don't know what else to do. We live in a really shitty world, and I need to escape it."

"The reason I've been such a bitch lately is that I thought that if you hated me then it wouldn't hurt when I left. I'm so sorry about how I left things, but this way you won't miss me." I speak into the phone. Tears start to form in my eyes, and I get the feelin in my nose that always comes before I cry. I don't want to cry in the voicemail I leave, so I need to wrap it up.

"I've gotta go now, but don't worry, you'll move on. Like you said, 'you can't love a dead person'. Live life to the fullest, and remember that I still love you." I say, then hang up.

I've been walking for a bit, and it's really cold outside. My fingers and toes are starting to go numb, and my lungs hurt from breathing the cool, dry air. As the tears fall from my eyes, my face turns even more red. Because my skin is so pale, my face always gets red when it's cool out. Now sobbing, I start to gasp for air.

This is the last air I will ever breath, and I can't manage to force it down into my lungs. I try to check my phone, but my fingers are numb, and won't move. I can see the bridge from where I am now, it's only about a block away.

I start to wonder what happens after you die. Is there a heaven and a hell? Do you get reincarnated? Or maybe it's just black. Does being dead hurt? Supposedly your life flashes before your eyes in the moments before death. Nothing has happened yet, but I'm not on the edge of the bridge yet.

As I reach the river that the bridge crosses over, the sound of water running below me flows into my ears. The lights of the cars driving past me blur together, and the only thing I can see is the edge of the bridge.

If I'm going to do this, I need to do it right, I don't get a second chance. If I jump too close to either side of the bridge, I won't fall for long enough to accumulate the velocity that would be fatal upon impact. The last thing I want to do is paralyze myself and drown.

Although I can't be sure, I think that if I jump front the center of the bridge, I should fall long enough to hit the water and die. I suppose there's only one way to find out.

Once I reach what I think is the center of the bridge, I take a few last breaths to calm myself down.

"You can do it Oikawa. Just jump from this bridge, and you can leave this whole life behind." I say to myself.

"But what if I don't want to leave it behind." says a small voice inside of my head. I try to ignore it, because there isn't anything left here for me. I was staying for Iwa, and now he hates me, so I have no reason to be here.

I don't have a purpose here anymore. I'm too old to be a son, and besides, my parents like my older brother better. I'm no good at art, I couldn't even get into Iwa's school. And I'm a shitty boyfriend. If I stayed, it would only be for myself, and I don't really want that. I have to go.

I put my hand on the rail of the bridge, and push myself onto the thin wall of the bridge. I'm only a step away from death now. I look up at the stars, and feel the wind blow through my hair. Taking one last deep breath, I turn around so that my back faces the water, close my eyes, and-

[AHH sorry for leaving this at a cliff hanger haha, I'm going to write two endings for this story, so that you can choose how you want the story to end, and read the corresponding chapter. I want to publish the endings at the same time, so I have to write both of them before I update again. That being said it might, it might be awhile until I post the next chapters, but I hope to have them done by January 11th at the latest. Thanks for all the support!]