i was not doing good anymore. yesterday was nice, but it didn't make me forget about my flawed self. the absolute empty shell that i could be. i tried to do things, like reading or practicing violin but nothing helped the numbness.
nothing excited me.
i couldn't contact yoongi or hoseok. i didn't want to bother them. hoseok already feels too responsible for me. i won't hold them back because of my suffering.
i wish they didn't know me so that i could just die.
i wish my family didn't love me. why did they even love me?
i didn't understand.
slowly i walked to the sink, scissors heavy in my pocket. i want to punish myself, to equal my faults. this was the only way. this cures the numbness.
i shoved up my sleeves and looked at the thin white lines on my arms. you probably wouldn't be able to see them if you weren't looking closely. but if you would pull the skin you'd see tens of white lines over each other and crossing eachother. the scars that had already healed. futher down were cuts that were fresh. i went up to the scars that had healed and drew my scissors across them, blood seeping out. finally i felt real pain. this is what i deserved.
i washed my arms and put some bandaids on the new cuts and hoped they would stop bleeding soon. i always regret cutting afterwards, why did i need to do this? i can't do anything right. i want to punish myself for doing everything wrong, but cutting also is a mistake. i hate it, i hate me.
after cleaning up the wounds and putting some bandaids on them i dragged myself to bed i fall asleep, hoping to never wake up.
i need someone. someone who can give me hope, a beginning. a savoir.
— BZZZ! BZZZ! BZZZ! i woke up to my phone ringing, i should have shut my phone off, then i could have slept longer. i decided to pick up, since it was an unknown number and i wanted to know who it was.
"hi taehyung, this is yeri!" yeri said through the phone.
"y-yeri??" i said, quickly clearing my throat when hearing how raspy my voice sounded because i had just woken up.
"wow did i wake you up? i'm sorry, i didn't know you were sleeping." she spoke, probably noticing how asleep i sounded.
"no it's fine, i just didn't get much sleep last night and i was taking a nap. anyways, what's up? how did you even get my number? n- not that i mind, i'm just curious." i said, rubbing my eyes, trying to wake myself up.
"i got your number from yoongi. he said that you could use a friend? taehyung, i know we only met yesterday, but i feel like your already one of my best friends. i really want to hang out with you again! look, the point is, i'm going to the movies with sowol today and i wanna take you with us!" yeri explained.
i thought about it and looked at my arm. i don't want to take a risk and have a cut rip and bleed through my sleeve. i should just not go... i don't have time anyways. a mountain of homework was waiting for me.
"oh, that's really kind of you yeri... but i don't really have time to go to the movies. i have alot of homework and i don't understand half of it." i said.
"well, sowol and me can just come over to your house and help you with homework! how about that?" she asked unexpectedly.
she really wants to hang out, maybe i should just let them come over and help me, it would be unkind not to.
"uhhh.. yeah, actually, that would be great! i do also have violin songs to practice, and i don't think you guys can help me with that.... but you can help with my school homework! my address is lydeer street 23." i said.
"that's cool! i know that street so i live close. is it okay if we'll be there around 2?" yeri asked.
"yeah, that would be nice. see you guys around then!" i said.
"see you then!" she said, and hung up.
i had one hour to shower and get my shit together.
—
i heard yeri speak to the taehyung from yesterday on the phone. he was really, really handsome, but it seemed like he didn't know it himself.
i know you can't judge someone for their looks, but taehyung's whole aura was just, elegant and pretty. he really had something about him, something special.
"see you then!" yeri said, and hung up.
"sowol, he's really busy and he doesn't have time to go to the movies. but, he does want to let us help him with homework in an hour! i woke him up from a nap tho... i hope he gets enough sleep." yeri explained.
at his house? wow, we only met yesterday... well, i met him 2 days before that, but we just bumped into each other. i really wanted to see him again for some reason.
"oh, okay, that's good too. do you think he's okay? he seemed a bit anxious yesterday." i asked yeri.
"i honestly don't know. maybe he just has alot on his mind and it's too much. anyways, we need to be there in an hour, so let's get ready. i have his address." yeri said.
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