The Death Date

chapter sixteen

North Cove Beach was a small inlet embraced by Mission Bay. It was tucked far enough inside that it was protected from waves, making the already serene expanse of beach even quieter. In the evenings, as it was now, just after the sun had set and a purplish hue tinged the early night sky, lights from the residences across the water dotted the horizon like little stars, and the silhouettes of palm trees swayed back and forth in the breeze. North Cove was idyllic.

Vi, Meghan, and I were seated in the camping chairs we had brought, a cooler full of snack food open at our feet. Meghan withdrew a plastic baggie containing plump grapes and started popping them her mouth. A few people were circling the inlet on paddleboards, their voices riding along the glasslike surface of the water to meet our ears.

"You ever done that?" Meghan asked. "Paddleboard?"

"No," I said, stealing a grape from the baggie she had extended. "Never."

"What about you, Vi?"

Vi shook her head. "There are sharks."

Meghan laughed warmly. "Well, yeah, but you can't be afraid of a shark attack. What's the statistic? I know it's insanely low."

Cue the Trivial Pursuit Champion, Vi. "A person has a 1 in 11.5 million chance of a shark attack in their lifetime."

"Yes!" Meghan burst into another round of laughter. "See! I knew it was low."

"It's low, but not impossible," Vi said to which Meghan retained a bout of silence.

There had been many times throughout mine and Vi's friendship that had been punctuated by circumstances such as this. Vi preferred doing familiar things, and it was easy for me – even preferable – to follow in tow. New things meant new situations, and new situations meant new people, and, well, the rest was self-explanatory.

But while the routine was comfortable, it could also become mindless. When something new would pop up on my radar, my instinct was to watch it curiously, place myself in the activity and often dream of stepping out of my carefully structured surroundings and give it a whirl. The dream would only last so long before it switched back to reality, and the reality I lived was one that deemed new things unapproachable.

"You never wanted to paddleboard before? Even living here all this time?" Meghan asked.

The sky had faded to indigo and little stars twinkled through the darkness.

"Well, yeah, I've wanted to. I just never have."

"Why?" she asked, forehead crinkled.

This was the reason I kept relationships at a distance. Once they got close enough, the cracks and chips on my exterior became clearer, and I couldn't hide my brokenness anymore. How could anyone understand what I went through, let alone know the weight it placed on my shoulders? My life needed to be comfortable, and this was achieved by never diverting my feet from the same path.

"I don't know. I just haven't," I lied.

"Are you afraid of the sharks too?" she asked part humorously, part thoughtfully.

Yes, I thought, I am.

"Well," she continued, "if you let fear stop you from doing something you want to do, it'll only lead to more fear."

"But how do you know it won't happen. You can't prove that it won't happen," Vi argued.

"Well, no. But that's the point, isn't it?" A breeze swept over the three of us. "Living is only enjoyable because it's a risk, even if the risk is 1 in 11.5 million," she added with a soft chuckle.