Beauty In All Of Its Entirety

Chapter 2

"Are you ready, Tatum?" The words began to ring in my head over and over, and I could not find an answer that seemed correct, even in the slightest. Was I ready or not? What's so hard about that? I wasn't ready but I was ready. 

"I think so," I told her and her eyes narrowed. I knew she was expecting more, but I didn't know what more I could give her. "What's that look for?" I asked her, crossing my arms in front of my chest.

"This is a big step for you. Do you think or do you know? We don't have to go today, or any day if you don't want to, Tatum." I don't think I've ever seen her so serious. There was a look in her eyes that told me she believed that I could. But everyone who knows her also knows she does not believe in pressuring others into doing something when they're not comfortable. 

"All I truly do know is that this is as ready as I've ever been and might ever be. It's now or never, Marilyn. Let's go." I began to walk in the direction of the river when I felt her hand on my arm. She pulled me to a stop. I wondered if she was more afraid for me than I was afraid of the river, but it didn't seem very possible.

"I need you to know this as well...you are so brave, Tatum.  Don't ever forget that, and don't let anyone else tell you any differently. Not even yourself." She told me and paused a moment before smiling a little smile. When she let go of my arm, I could still feel it. It was as if she had purposely left an imprint on me. She wanted her words to find their way into my soul, and stay there.

We were silent as we walked towards the river. I don't think I've ever had such sweaty hands before today. I wanted to tell Marilyn that I wanted to go back and that I changed my mind. But something inside of me propelled me forward even when my mind kept telling me to run the other way. Perhaps it was the fear of the look on her face when I would tell her I no longer wanted to go- because if I no longer want to go it also means I no longer want to see all of the things she's so excited to show me.

I could see Marilyn sneaking curious glances at me as we walked.

"Are you excited?" I asked her, and she smiled, only for it to quickly disappear again. 

"Yes and no." I tilted my head and looked at her. If I could not have two answers, how could she? "I'm excited that you're going to experience something new, and better and that you're overcoming your fear. I'm just a little nervous, just like you." She knew I was nervous without me even saying a word. That was the thing about Marilyn, she always knows things you don't tell her. Especially how you feel. I like to think she has a special power in which all she has to do is glance at someone and know what they're feeling. Even if they're miles away. 

"I am nervous, but I think-know- I'll be okay. That's what matters, right?" I asked her, and she nodded, ever so slightly. You could tell that she was pondering something, and she stayed that way for several minutes. Quiet, staring off in front of herself. She almost looked sad.

As we walked along, we came to where the trees began and I tripped over a branch. I fell onto my knees. What a very warm welcome. I told myself that this was just the universe telling me that if I fall, I need to get back up, no matter how much it hurts. No matter.

I flipped over to sit on my backside and Marilyn was staring at me wide-eyed. She wasn't laughing like she normally would, whatever she as pondering was weighing on her heavily still. Any other day, we'd both erupt in laughter but today was not any other day.

I thought about how maybe she had seen our conversation before it happened, and that was how she knew I was nervous. Or maybe she just saw me fall the way I did. Maybe she could read minds and be reading mine right now. In that case, I thought to myself...Hi Marilyn, I'm nervous. I want to go back but something inside of me keeps propelling me forward. Please help me?

"Do you need help getting up or something?" She asked me. It was then that I realized I was still on the ground and the entire time I had been staring at her boots with my face scrunched up- I was lost in thought. Maybe you could drown in them, you just never realize when you are.

"Sure." I couldn't think of anything more to say. I was embarrassed and she knew this all too well. She picked up two red leaves and put them against her cheeks. She smiled big. 

"Look! Now we can be red tomatoes together!" She laughed.

"What makes you so sure there is only such a thing as red tomatoes?" I asked her, now laughing at myself.

"The thing is, Tatum, I didn't think!" She wasn't laughing anymore, she was the all-serious Marilyn once more. I knew what she was implying. The more you think, the more your mind will want to talk you out of it or make you afraid to keep going. Maybe she really could hear my thoughts- my cry for help because I was afraid. This was just confirmation, and all the confirmation I ever needed.

"Okay, Marilyn. Let us stop thinking now." And I did. I stopped but at the same time, I kept going. As fast as I could possibly muster myself to go, I ran to the river. 

"Tatum, wait for me!" Her voice was distant, somewhere far in the back of my mind. Just where I pushed everything else, I pushed her words. not because they didn't matter or she didn't matter but because I mattered. I wanted this moment to be mine.

I needed to get there before the memories did. Before the river overflowed.