Beauty In All Of Its Entirety

Chapter 1

"Marilyn! Haven't you got what you need yet?" I asked. I hoped that the wind would carry my words down the river, just close enough for her to hear them. But there was no reply. The wind only listened when it wanted to. I thought about asking the wind if it would just carry me down there instead, but I decided against it.

Marilyn was my best friend, and every single day she comes down to the river to search for nature's glory. That's what she always said. But nature's glory consists of many things. What she would really be searching for, just to narrow it down, was unique rocks she could marvel at, odd-looking leaves, and flowers she thought were pretty. The flowers and leaves always mean more to her than the rocks, I think. When she comes back up from the river, she always has photographs of leaves or flowers she thought worthy enough to photograph. Which is nearly every single one of them. She kept those same photographs on the wall of her bedroom and if you ask her why she will simply tell you: Anything that can die can be remembered, and I want to remember them.

"Get outta your head! People venture through nature to sort through their thoughts, maybe even toss some out, but not to drown in them. Oh, and yes, I have everything I need now." Her voice made me jump. This happened every single time. She always finds ways to startle me. It was just simply one of the things she did for fun. I thought nothing of it most times, but sometimes it reminded me of things I no longer wanted to remember. I never said that to her, though. I liked seeing her laugh and being a source of her smile.

"I'm not drowning in them, I'm just swimming through them." I smiled as she had to pause and think about it for a moment. I wondered if she was trying to imagine me swimming which she would probably find hilarious if I ever even tried. But there was a larger part of me that knew she was thinking of something much deeper than that. I waited for her to say something but she never did. She just stared.

"You heard me when I asked if you had everything?" I asked after a short while. I had just remembered that I thought the wind did not carry out my wish for my words to meet her ears. I guess silence is not betrayal on my part.

"Yes, didn't you hear me call back to you?" She tilted her head. She always did this when she asked a question. Sometimes she realizes she does it and immediately sets her head straight, but other times she doesn't notice at all. It's sad how people would ever want to change something that makes them unique from everyone else.

"No. I didn't." The wind was listening after all. Just not to the both of us.

"Hey Tatum," Her voice trailed off. At that same moment, the wind picked up. Not only did it pick up her words, but it threw them around in circles above my head. She had dragged it out intentionally. I knew whatever she was about to say, was serious. I didn't do well with serious conversations. She waited a few moments for a response, but when one didn't come, she spoke again. "Would you ever consider maybe--just maybe--coming down to the river one day?" For several minutes, the words lay strung in the air around us. I wanted the wind to blow them far away from here.

No. I can't. I won't. I don't want to. I don't need to. What good is saying these things? Where will they take me? I don't know whether I am hitting a realization or suffering at this moment. I decide that it's both, and I have to be okay with that. Marilyn means no harm.

"Why?" My confusion was clear, but my words were not. I had struggled so much getting that single syllable out that it sounded rusty.

''Well, why not? I know you are afraid,Tatum and that's okay. But don't you ever think that fear is holding you back from seeing and experiencing something absolutely astonishing?" When I didn't reply for half a minute, she continued again. My best guess was that she was trying to fix the situation. She thought she had broken the air around us, and the words fell to pieces. But she was wrong. There was nothing to fix. Nothing.

"...and there's this really huge rock, WAY too big for me to carry and it has these weird markings on it, like holes, and-" I cut her short.

"Yes." The word was not rusty this time. This syllable was clear as day, and nothing about it said that I was afraid. I don't know where in my body I was strong enough to build up the word, in all of its large glory, to say aloud but I did. Isn't that what matters?

"Um..yes to what?" I can tell she was really hoping for the yes to be towards something specific, but not even I knew what it was said to.

"I don't know. Just yes. To everything, I guess." I told her. Marilyn was the type of person who liked everything to be specific, to dream things aloud and fill people in about everything life has to offer. She had the wildest imagination. She often planned out things she wanted to do one day, each in great detail. It was what made her happy and hopeful that one day, her life would fully be her own. I would never even think about taking that away from her.

She didn't say anything. For a long time I thought maybe the hope she had that I would be saying yes to going down the river had faltered, but I never saw that hope leave her eyes. I hoped as well, that nothing would ever make that hope she had falter. I hoped that she would one day live all of her wildest dreams and go by the plans in all of their entirety. I hoped with all of my might that we would be doing it together.

"Are you ready to go home, Tatum?" She asked. When I looked at her, I saw so much more than I had ever seen before. I had seen her excitement lighting an entire world on fire, and then she would take the world by storm, causing the fire to die out immediately. The waves would overturn the entire city, and she would build it bigger and better than before. She would add an abundance of colorful flowers and trees on every single street. She would get rid of Hucklemore Avenue because she didn't like it, and replace it with something much better. Something with a better name. In fact, she might even just make the street a river so she can remember how she overturned it with great fierceness because she hated it and no longer wanted it there. It would be called the Fierce River.

"Tatum? Earth to Tatum. Can we go home, please?" She said, waving her hand in front of my face. It's crazy how many things you can imagine about one person, and how fast those thoughts come in through one ear and find their way into the crevices of your brain where they'll stay for a lifetime. It takes someone special for that to happen, and Marilyn was special.

"Yes. Let's go home." I didn't want to leave yet. I wanted to stay and admire this moment, and imagine all of the ones to come after. But she had rocks in her pockets, and they were weighing down her shoulders. I wondered what she needed them for because she had never come back with rocks before. It was always photographs of flowers or leaves, but never rocks. But I knew that Marilyn had grabbed them for a reason, and I could not wait to figure out the reasoning. I bet that it is something riveting, colorful, and creative. She is the one who had made me feel strong enough to even think about facing my fear, she deserved all the praise she could get. Even if it was only in my head. I could never just say such things plain out in the open. I would have to see her reaction, and feel my face heat up. It was too much distraction from my reality, anyway.

As Marilyn and I were walking home, for the first time in a long time, we walked shoulder to shoulder. I knew this was her way of telling me she felt in tune with me now. That we were on the same page and I wouldn't have to do it alone. She even looked at me a few times and smiled, gently bumping my shoulder. I realized in those tiny little moments, how much she truly meant to me.