Beauty In All Of Its Entirety

Chapter 4

"Tatum?" Marilyn. Her voice was nearly a whisper as if she did not want the wind to carry it- as if she were afraid. I slowly turned to her, my fists still clenched in front of me. I could still feel the straps in my hand, but there was no backpack.

"Yes?" I asked, trying to sound as casual as I could- but I really could not think of what else I could say.

"Are you okay?" She tilted her head at me and picked at her fingers. She was nervous and her eyes were jotting between me and the river. I didn't know what she was nervous for, or if I had made a complete embarrassment of myself- but it didn't matter, right? Because I was okay.

"I am. I'm okay. I'm better now." I meant that I truly did. I could tell at first she didn't believe me, so I gave her a reassuring smile. She felt it, the genuineness it held- and that was enough. For the first time since the memory had turned to smoke- both in my mind and in front of me- I looked around. There was no longer my own splattered blood on the rocks, no torn backpack, no sign of struggle. There was nothing of what once was.

There were colorful trees. Red, White, and Green. Those tree's colors were beautifully reflected on the river's waters and it looked as though the river had its very own little rainbow, trailing across the water.

I thought about how maybe the river wanted to remember the tree's during the bitter winter, so it took their beauty and made it a part of itself- so even if they were gone, it would have something to remember. It would be something to remember. Just like how Marilyn photographed flowers, the river photographed all the life surrounding it.

"It is truly beautiful, Marilyn. I cannot believe I let fear stop me from experiencing this. I can't believe I missed this." I turned to look at her, fully expecting her to be hunched over a plant, photographing it for memory. But she wasn't. She had her hands intertwined in front of her, and she was looking at me with the biggest smile sprawled across her face.

"Anything before this moment doesn't matter. Because you're here now and you're okay." She smiled and lifted up her camera. She pointed it at me, and I smiled. I heard the camera click, and a polaroid emerged from within the camera. She took it out and began to shake it. She handed it to me, and I smiled- it was a moment captured with pure joy. My moment. 

"I am here, and that means that there is a lot you want to show me. How about we start with that rock you were telling me about?" I didn't want to tell her that I was so distracted by my own thoughts that I didn't hear anything else. I smiled and looked around. I spotted the rock a few feet away from me, under a tree filled with pink flowers. Flowers I recognized from a few of Marilyn's paintings. It was the only tree with pink. 

"Isn't it something special?" She placed a hand on the rock like she was comforting someone who was afraid.

"Yes. Yes, it is." But I wasn't looking at the rock anymore, I was looking at her. I walked over to her bag. She had placed her camera there, and I picked it up. When I looked back at her, she was observing a specific groove in the rock that was deeper than the others. I photographed this moment. This was the moment I had avoided for so long- facing my fear and embracing the beauty.

But one thing was for sure, I had known beauty in all of its entirety now. I knew this moment would never die. I wanted to keep it forever. The big step. The darkness shattered and the world around me embraced.

This moment was my own, that I know for certain to be true.