A Lesson to Learn

Chapter 18

 Coming back home after finally confessing to Rey his true feelings had only somewhat eased the anxiety in Kylo's heart. He may have told her he loved her, but that was only a small portion of what he was hiding from her. Kylo knew that traditionally families tended to get together over the holidays and as things barreled towards Christmas and New Years, Kylo only got more and more worried.

Rey had been asking about his family even more as they approached Christmas, voicing her concern that his family hadn't reached out to him in order to make plans. Kylo had told her his family wasn't the traditional holiday sort and that usually they didn't celebrate, which he could tell Rey was having a hard time wrapping her head around, not quite able to let go of the subject in her mind. Kylo could feel the tension when the topic was broached and his chest tightened as he realized his time of enjoying this domestic bliss without consequences was running out.

Rey had even inquired about what he would be doing to decorate his apartment, to which Kylo had to fight back the bark of laughter that threatened to erupt from deep within his belly. She had eased up on going to his apartment and hanging out, but Kylo could still tell it was a sore spot for her and that she was confused as to why they had yet to go see his place. His latest excuse was that they were doing some renovations so that he was going to be living away from his apartment for a while. That had lightened the questioning somewhat, but he could tell Rey wasn't convinced by his varying excuses.

He mulled over his predicament as he dutifully followed Rey down the aisles for their latest shopping adventure. Today they were on the hunt for ugly Christmas sweaters for the both of them so that they could be appropriately dressed for the holiday party that Finn and Poe would be throwing. Kylo had protested on the clothing but given in after Rey insisted that while the sweater may be ugly, that Kylo himself would always be handsome to her. Kylo had blushed under her praise, having secretly hoped that his grumbling would have earned him a compliment and a kiss. In the end, he had gotten both.

Kylo stole glances at Rey as she browsed through all of the garments in the local thrift store, eyeing the new braid that she was sporting. Kylo had finally (mentally) taken the next big step in their relationship by gently plaiting her hair into one that denoted courtship for mates, the style a lot more intricate than the ones she had been wearing before. Rey had gushed over it, showering him in kisses until they both dissolved into a fit of giggles.

Kylo was hoping to teach Rey how to braid his hair for the holiday party, eager to match in both their ugly sweaters and their hairstyles. He figured he deserved to feel her hands brushing through his hair while she styled it at least once before he might be away from her for a while. The thought of it had his heart sinking into the recesses of his lower ribcage, the weight heavy and nauseating, but Kylo knew that if he truly loved her (which he did) that Rey deserved to know the truth.

Kylo had given himself the deadline of New Years to tell Rey about his true identity and he found himself having visceral reactions to the thought of telling her, dread setting in as his heart would race. He would reach out to her in these times when he felt overwhelmed and anxious, seeking her out amidst his inner turmoil and darkness, preparing himself for the days where he might not be able to reach out to her so easily.

Kylo closed his eyes and shook his head free from those thoughts. Right now he had other, more pressing things to think about - like whether he would rather get a light up sweater or one that made noise. The silly shopping trip seemed like a lifesaver as he zeroed in his focus on the options Rey was pointing out to him, straining to keep his mind occupied lest it dwell on his impending heartbreak again.

***

"I think we should get these," Rey mused, holding up two sweaters that depicted different scenes from her favorite space action movie series.