With her father deceased and her mother comatose, she lives with her uncle aka the Don of the Russian mafia. Being the niece of a mafia don, you don't have a life of privilege. No rainbows and bedtime stories; only training, training and... more bru...
I thought this song perfectly described the chapter, so I put it up there to see if any of y'all were interested.
^still this this is the case if you wanna die even more^
⚠️⚠️Trigger Warning: Suicide Attempts⚠️⚠️
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We all love birthdays, don't we? We celebrate them, as a mark that we have lived for one more year. We get gifts, we eat cake with all our friends and family. Simply put, they are a special occasion for everyone.
"You are worthless! I wish I had aborted you the second I found out I was pregnant!"
Ever seen a bottle of medicine? It has dates on it; production date, and the expiration date. I didn't bother remembering the others. The production date can act as the day we were born but what about the other date?
I guess the expiration date would be used as just that. The day we expire. Or more simply put, the day we die. But who determines that? Is it God? Is it Fate? Do we have any control over our own death?
"You are a disgrace!"
Have you ever thought about how it would feel to write your own expiration date? The very day you decide that you will no longer breathe, or be able to hear your own heart beating?
"I never loved you. Sorry."
Because even now, I don't have the words to describe how I feel on a daily basis.
"I hate you!"
The world isn't just the same when you view it through my eyes. When you are depressed, every happiness, every joy is blurred, in shades and hues of grey, and everything is built with such daintiness that it is impossible to translate. A stable sound of static buzzes in your ears, occasionally disturbed by the voices. The toxic voices that tell you about your true worth.
"You are a waste of space!"
Eventually, after years of hoping that things will get better, that you will get better, you finally come to a conclusion; nothing ever changes. So tell me, what's the point of living the same pain over and over again?
Wouldn't it just make sense to end all this pain once and for all?
Adults always make life seem so simple. As children, we're told that life isn't fair, that we have to roll with the punches. Like it's just a smooth journey, and you're just a passenger on that journey. But what happens when it turns out to be a rough journey? It becomes too much for our brains to understand. It's like a piece of broken glass. So many sharp angles that cut through every fibre of your being until you end up an empty shell, with nothing keeping you in the real world, except one single tether.
I had lost that tether.
Why should I keep going when there's nothing grounding me in this existence?
I took a step forward and released a breath.
"Oh, look at him. What a loser, she didn't even love him."
So, here I am today. Tuesday morning in September. Standing in front of the portal to death. The water in the lake glitters and shines a peaceful black colour underneath me as my tears blur my view once again. It screams peace. It screams numbness. It screams freedom.
All I have to do is jump. Simple, that was everything I wanted. Everything I needed. And then I would sink into the abyss. My parents wouldn't even notice that I was gone, unless, of course, if they needed a bottle of liquor.
"You would be better off dead."
As for my 'friends', they might notice but they will obviously forget. I am not worth a second of their time, anyway.
"You are not worth our time."
As for the person who was supposed to be my soulmate, like she said, she was probably busy with someone much more important than me. She never loved me so what's the point? She was the final tether keeping me tied to this meaningless reality. I looked around me, in case anyone was there.
"You don't matter."
Of course, no one was here. Why would anyone care? I look at the sky once more. Finally, I've mustered up enough courage to do this, after going through so many years of my own personalized hell.
The sun hadn't risen yet; the water glittered in the moonlight beneath me. The more I looked at the lake, the urge to jump grew stronger and stronger. The water, the peace called out to me. Called me to end this pain. I took another step forward.
Why? The question lurked in the back of my mind. Why did I have to be born?
Tears started streaming down my face as I took one more step. Come on, the voice hissed at me, it's time. Today's is the day I will finally kill myself. Finally.
Don't stop. I took another step forward.
You don't matter to your parents, they wished you were dead. So I will make their wish come true. I took another step forward.
She never loved you, you are not worthy of being loved. Go, set yourself free.
And so I did. I jumped.
The air against my body tried to stop me but it couldn't. Then a strong gust of cold water hit my body. Soon I was sinking.
It wasn't supposed to feel like this. It was supposed to be quick, it was supposed to be numb. Absent of any pain.
I wasn't supposed to feel this tearing pain. It was like I was burning and freezing all at once. The water fused with my tears and burned my eyes. It had a chokehold around my neck and body as the pressure started suffocating me. It strangled me as my arms and legs involuntarily thrashed, trying to resist. I wanted to swim back up to the surface. But I didn't. I couldn't.
Why should I?
My body convulsed, fighting the pull of death.
Just let me die already. Please. Please! All the moments that led to this moment tore through my mind with such intensity that I didn't notice that I had stopped moving. As darkness finally started seeping in, after all this burning pain, I let my body relax. Soon, my vision started going black, my lungs filling up with water, my body becoming cold and numb. I finally realized the fact that I am dying. Finally, I was sinking in the greatest abyss of all.
Something took hold of me. My body. It pulled me, strong enough to jerk me back to the waters. I am pretty sure it's death or more cold water. Not paying anymore attention to it, I finally let myself sink deeper and deeper into the darkness as my heart slowed down.
