Dear Simon,

Chapter Ten

Forewarning: this chapter contains profanity and themes of anxiety and depression. Read at your own discretion.

A Facebook notification pops up. Simon Spiers sent a message. I'd forgotten about Simon with all of the Harry drama.

Dear Ethan,

I'm not the best person in the world to give advice. It sucks being blackmailed and I'm sorry you're going through it too. When I was being blackmailed, I pretty much made all of the wrong decisions. I hurt my friends, I lied to my family, and I let a douchebag manipulate all of my decisions. I'm not the one to advise about that. As for coming out, only do it if you know you're in a safe position. It can be rough and it's definitely terrifying, no matter what your familial background is.

With sincerity,

Simon Spiers

I turn on all of my alarms; school starts back tomorrow. I check Creeksecrets to see if Harry outed me early. I don't see anything, but it doesn't ease my nerves. It'd be easier to tell Mom than to deal with all of this shit. Every time I think about it, my insides churn. I notice my visions blurred. I throw my phone across the bed.

"I just want all of this to go away." I say it aloud. "I just want everything to go away!" I barely notice my mirror scream at my phone. The mirror's shards rain on the floor like a hurricane. I really wish I would have been a boy. I wish Harry wouldn't have read my journal. I wish I wasn't such a damned coward. Everything would have been easier. I let the salty tears burn my eyes and roll down my cheeks.

The next morning, I wake to my alarm screeching at me. I shower and change. I don't look down. I hurry down the stairs with my bookbag and scarf down breakfast. I'm always nervous for the first day back, no matter how long the break is. I don't see Mom anywhere so I assume she's left for work.

"What's got you so hurried?" Abreala asks with a spoon of cereal near her mouth.

I shrug, I don't want to talk about it. "We have exams in a couple of weeks and I just need to study."

"You've been studying all semester, even during the break. Anymore studying and you'll be as smart as Einstein." Claira speaks up before shoving a spoon of cereal into her mouth.

"Seriously," Abreala and Claira have teamed up on me, "you're gonna be fine, Sierra."

My stomach jolts and I breathe in. I could tell them. I want to tell them. "I don't want to be called Sierra anymore - or at least when Mom isn't home - I want to be called Ethan." I can't believe I just told them. Their silence is uncomforting.

They look at each other and back at me. Abreala speaks first, "yeah?"

"Yeah." I swallow the lump in my throat but it doesn't leave.

"Any, uh, pronouns you'd like us to use?" Claira sounds uncertain.

"Yeah. He and him are my pronouns." I feel like running away and hiding.

"Okay, um, Ethan. I'll try my best."

Abreala nods, "if that's who you are then you can bet your ass I'm behind it."

I can't hold it anymore. I start crying again. There is a weight off my shoulders and I feel lighter than I have in a while. "Really?"

"Really."

"Thank you. Please don't tell anyone yet, I'm not ready for anyone else to know."

"I won't tell." Claira shoved another bite of cereal into her mouth as Abreala agreed with her.

"Neither will I; it's not my business."

"Thank you. It means more than you'll ever know."

"What do you expect? We love you, dude." Abreala checks her watch. "We need to go out soon."

(0.0)

Harry isn't at school today. I figured he'd be avoiding me, but I didn't think he'd not show up to school. He's been working so much to pass his exams that it doesn't make sense. There's still nothing about me on Creeksecrets, which could or couldn't be a good sign. I'm not sure.

I text Harry again. He's left me on read all day and yesterday after he left. I should have just shut the hell up. I shouldn't have told my mom. I should have just made something up. Now he could reveal my biggest secrets to everyone, or worse: he could get hurt even worse than what he was originally.

"God, I'm such a fuck-up!"

"Sierra! Watch your language!" Ms. Wright, my second-period teacher, scolds me.

"Sorry Ms. Wright, I just realized I messed up on my cities map."

Ms. Wright shakes her head and rolls her eyes, "well, try to keep your profanity in your head next time you mess up."

I nod, "will do, Ma'am."

The day drags on and my anxiety heightens. I'm a mess by lunch. My mom's gonna freak when she sees my mirror. Harry could out me at any moment. My grades are probably slacking-

"Hey Sierra, are you okay?" It's Aaron. He's wearing a light blue "Bass Pro Fishing" t-shirt and baggy jeans.

I smile, "Yeah! I'm great. How are you?" I smother my anxiety down like a weighted ball-and-chain cuffed to my ankle.

He looks skeptical but he doesn't say anything. He takes the seat from my left and sits. "Honestly, I'm doing okay. I've been going to therapy recently and it's really been helping my anxiety." He pauses to think. "Speaking of which, how's your anxiety been?"

I want to tell him. I want to scream to him about how I want to scream at the world - to yell - to get all of my anger and worries out. I want to flip tables and throw food trays at people - but I don't. I smile politely and I say, "It's been okay. I haven't really had any lately. I've been worried about the semester exams, but that's about it."

Aaron smiles and pats my shoulder as he stands, "I'm glad! I'm really happy for you."

The lump in my throat grows and the weight on my shoulders becomes heavier. I'm so sorry Aaron. I shouldn't have lied. I'm so sorry Harry, I should have stayed out of it. I'm such a fuck-up.

I grit my teeth and close my eyes. I can't fucking stand this. This - this dark fog in my brain! This heaviness on my entire being! I scream it loud enough for the cafeteria to hear - even Aaron with his friends - I can't stand it anymore. "Goddammit!"

Silence. Everyone is staring with wide eyes and mouths open. I take a breath and rush away and out the doors. My tray is still on the table.

"Sierra! Hey! Sierra! Wait up!" Aaron is chasing after me.

"Leave me alone Aaron!"

"Tell me what's wrong," he grabs my arm and turns me toward him. "Please."

"I can't." I shake my head and look at my shoes. "I can't." I repeat myself.

"You've been so distant since the party, you sat there and lied to my face when I asked how you were, and now you can't even tell me what's bothering you. I want to be there for you, but I can't if you won't let me."

"I can't tell you because it's none of your fucking business. Just go away and leave me the hell alone. Whore yourself away to Alisa if you have to - just leave me out of it." I wiggled myself away as he stood like stone. Hurt and surprise spread on his face like a foam face mask. I'm sorry Alisa. I'm sorry Aaron. I'm so sorry Harry.