Tua Aeng

Resolution Part 1 - Gulf

I lay him on the bed while I shower. I return to the room with a basin of water to clean him up. I do not want him to get sick or be uncomfortable sleeping with the cum sticking to his skin. Then I lay down next to him in the bed. He turns and places his head on my chest, arms clutching my shirt as if afraid to let go even in his sleep. We really need to talk this out, his body is telling me that he is still hurting over what has happened. I sigh. "I'm here N'Gulf. I am here. I'm not going anywhere." I whisper before falling asleep at his side.

The next morning, I get up and prepare breakfast. He is feeling better this morning and should be able to tolerate a regular meal, so I am making a western breakfast of scrambled eggs, toast, and sausage with tea.

I hear footsteps on the stairs the Gulf walks into the kitchen. I look up, he looks so cute in my boxers and t-shirt, his hair still damp from the shower. I set my ingredients aside. "Sit." I tell him. "You'll get cold walking around with wet hair." He smiles. "Hmmm. I'm still drying it Phi." He states. He looks happy. I take the towel from his hand and briskly rub his hair. If feels thick and soft against my hand and smells of my shampoo. It curls as it dries. He looks like a little kid, I think chuckling. I bend down and kiss him in spot between his ear and his neck. "Oyyeee!" "Phi, that tickles." He exclaims. I pull him into a hug, holding him against my chest, putting my nose against his hair. He places his arms around me and rests his head against my chest. "Are you ready for breakfast?" I ask. "Yes Phi, I'm so hungry." He says rubbing his hand against his stomach.

I finish making breakfast and place in on the table at the breakfast nook. I sit beside him. "Eat." I tell him while rubbing his hair.

I watch him while I eat, happy that his appetite has returned. I hope he returns to his normal healthy stature soon. It hurts to see him like this.

After breakfast we sit in the living room. I hold him against my chest enjoying the feel of him in my arms.

"Nong" I call him.

"Yes Boo."

"We need to talk about what happened."

I can feel him tense in my arms.

"I know it will hurt, but we need to resolve this Bii. I don't want us to hold onto any hurt or resentment. If we want this to work, we have to talk about this." "Please don't hold back Bii. I need to know how you feel. You need to let everything out. I don't want us to hurt anymore. Do you understand Bii?" I ask him. "Can you tell me what happened?"

"Hmmm." He answers.

"When you told me that we needed some time apart to figure out our feelings, to separate ourselves from Tharn/Type, I felt like I was dying Phi. I was...so shocked. I thought that we were on the same page. You asked me so many times if I really loved you. You, not Tharn, and I always said yes. I lowered my walls for you. I became soft toward you, just you, no-one else. I let you take care of me, touch me, kiss me, even when we were not working. I thought I had been so clear and those words...it felt like you had slapped me Phi. My heart hurt. I have been through a break-up before Phi, had acted it out on Tharn/Type, but none of that compared to what I felt when you said those words. They crushed me." Tears fell from his eyes and streamed down his face. "I don't even know how I got home. I think P'Best took me home in a cab. When I got inside, I didn't even remove my clothes. It was like I shut down, stopped functioning. I just couldn't cope with the hurt. I didn't want to go home. I didn't want my parents to see me like that. I just lay in my bed in my clothes. I couldn't stop crying, the tears just kept coming. My head, my chest, and throat hurt. I couldn't open my eyes they were so swollen, but the tears wouldn't stop. I don't know when I fell asleep. I only woke up because my alarm went off. I was so tired I didn't want to move but I had obligations I had to take care of, and I could hear your voice telling me that I needed to work hard, deliver more that I promised, be professional, so I pushed myself to deliver. I got up and I acted Phi. I acted. Every day I got out of that bed and I acted like my old self, but at night, when I was done with my job, I let my real self out and I cried myself to sleep. I felt so alone Phi. I couldn't tell anyone what was going on. The person who I talked to everything about was gone. My mind kept spinning. I keep seeing everything I did wrong, everything I could have changed. Maybe if I had been clearer with you. If I had been more demonstrative instead of being so shy and reserved. If I had taken care of you better like you asked, maybe you would have believed in me then. I just...didn't know how to show you, how to get you to believe that I loved you."

"I tried Phi, I tried so hard to cope, to give you time, but I couldn't eat. Nothing taste good, and after I ran out of tears I couldn't sleep. I started to think that maybe you didn't want me because I wasn't mature enough. I was too much work. I depended on you too much. I remembered all those viscous fan comments that you put in all the work in the relationship; that I would be nothing without you helping me. I decided that maybe I should work on being more independent, so I spoke to my parents and asked them to stay at my apartment in the city full time. I tried, so hard, to stand on my own, but my body couldn't take the stress anymore. I had been forcing myself to eat, to drink, trying everything to sleep, but it wasn't enough. My head felt so light, I felt like I was floating, and I felt so at peace Phi. I felt like If I just let go, just for a little while, maybe I could finally get some rest. I felt my body float away, then I heard P'Best calling my name. I felt something sting my face and I opened my eyes. P'Best caught me as I started to black out. He brought me to the hospital. The doctors said I was malnourished, dehydrated, and suffering from exhaustion. P'Best wouldn't let it go. I told him what happened, promised that I would do better, and I begged him not to tell you. I felt like such a failure. I couldn't even take care of myself. He placed me on medical leave and postponed my events. He told me that they would be rescheduled when I proved that I was healthy. I tried Phi. I tried to get better, but I couldn't. I needed you...I needed you and you left me, and I was so lost. I couldn't do it anymore, couldn't take it anymore, so I came to you, to beg you to believe me. To give me a chance to show you that I love you. I am sorry Phi... sorry that I was weak, that I couldn't do what you asked. I am sorry that I'm not stronger. I am sorry that I couldn't show you how much I loved you...that you couldn't believe in me. I'm sorry that I was such a burden, that you had to take care of me so much but I'm also angry at you." He looks up at me with so much hurt swirling in his eyes, banging his arms against my chest. "I'm angry that you couldn't see how hard I tried, how much I changed for you. How I let you in, how I grew. How I was always there, supporting you, rooting for you in everything that you did. I'm so damn angry Phi, that no matter how many times I said I loved you...you, not Tharn, you never believed me. I am mad at you for doubting your feelings for me. I am mad at you for pushing me away, for hurting me, for not even calling to check up on me. Phi, how could you. We loved each other, had been together, talked to each other every day for 2 years. How could you not call? I waited for you to call me, to say that you were sure, to just say hi. I was so hurt when you didn't, and it...broke me. It broke me Phi, and a part of me hated you. I hated you, and I hated myself for feeling that way because I loved you so much. My heart didn't know how to cope with that and I just...fell apart. Tell me Phi...please tell me...what more can I do...what more do I need to do to prove to you that it's Gulf who loves Mew and not Type that loves Tharn."

He was crying, tears streaming down his chest. It hurt so much seeing how much pain he was in. "I'm sorry Bii, Phi is so damn sorry."