GOD'S KILLER | harry styles

𝟮𝟴 - 𝗔𝗹𝗲𝘅 | 𝗧𝘄𝗼

I looked at you and said
Don't hate me, am I crazy?
So tenderly you watch me burn, you watch me burn, oh
So tell me, am I crazy?

"Did you send it?" Alissa asked as soon as she entered the room.

I was sitting on the edge of my bed, looking down at my hands, "Yes."

I wasn't in the greatest position emotionally speaking, so I wasn't really in the mood for chatting. Alissa knew me better than anyone though, which was why she apparently noticed my reaction and knew something wasn't right in the least.

"Are you okay?" She sat on the bed next to me, placing her hand on my knee. I still hadn't looked up at her, but I was surrounded by her vanilla fragrance almost immediately.

"My boss is about to call any second to tell me I'm close to my death, because I failed once more and I've noticed I'm not good enough for this jobs or for anyone around me. I'm not okay, I'm constantly losing myself and I can't seem to find peace of mind. But sure, I'm okay." I snorted sarcastically, blurting it all out before I could regret it.

Maybe I was being a bit aggressive with my responses, but I wasn't used to company and I didn't know how to react to the sudden presence of it. This was a complete first to me, I was trying my best to keep my composure but my life was hanging by a thread and that wasn't helping at all.

My mind kept yelling at me all sorts of things that I knew were true and I deserved them. But I didn't like it when people yelled and I was having a hard time coping with it, it reminded me so much of my father and I couldn't seem to get him out of my fucking mind.

I noticed Alissa's grip on my knee becoming a bit tighter. Somewhere in the depths of my mind, I knew she cared about me, but I still couldn't bring myself to actually think about it and process it. That's why I was still stuck on the thought that she was lying and I meant nothing to her at all.

"You know I can help you find yourself," She said ever the softest, her voice shivering a bit in the end.

Before I could even understand the situation, I felt myself holding my breath to stop a few tears from coming out. My bottom lip was trembling and I was slowly starting to add more and more pressure to my hands latched together on my lap.

It hurt.

"How?" My voice broke at the end, and I was already crying.

Everything felt like too much. It always felt like too much and I could never seem to make it stop. I wanted to stop it but I didn't know how to. It was like a life-long headache, it hurt too much.

"I don't know..." She said, which only let a strangled sob leave my lips, "But we'll figure it out, I promise. And you're not dying, not now not ever. I'll make sure of that."

"I'm scared,"

And I was. I was afraid of everything around me because it always seemed like it all could hurt me, I wasn't even sure if I could really trust Alissa. I didn't know how I could still feel more and more pain, each time I got hurt it felt as though I couldn't feel any more grief. I was wrong each and every single time.

This time, Alissa's answer was wrapping her arms around me and hugging me tightly. The embrace made my blood stop flowing in my veins because I hadn't been given a real comforting hug in so long, I really needed it.

"I know you're scared and I won't say I get what you're feeling because I don't, but I'm forever sure I won't let you fall again. I'll hold you and I won't leave even after I'm sure you're happy. I know you've never been cared about, I know how you even thought you didn't deserve to be cared about, but trust me when I tell you you fucking do," She whispered into my ear, making my heart skip a beat.

"No, that's not... no," I stuttered, even though I wasn't really sure what I was trying to say. "Thank you."

I did my best to stop crying and I finally succeeded, feeling my cheeks damp from the tears and my eyes itching. Alissa pulled away just to look into my eyes, and I gave her a little smile to let her know everything was fine... even though it really wasn't.

It was then when my phone started ringing, and my heart sunk in my chest because I knew who that was and what was expecting me. Alissa was quicker though, grabbing my phone before I could and reading the Caller ID.

"I-It's our boss," She murmured, probably as scared as I was.

She handed me the phone and I took it with shaky hands, answering the call after it rang multiple times and I breathed deeply to calm myself. I sniffled, propping the phone against my ear just to hear a voice I had come to know very well.

"You keep failing and fucking failing, is it that hard? All it takes is pulling a fucking trigger, why can't you just fucking do it?" He nearly yelled, "This is strike fucking two, Turner, I warned you. You better have the job done before I get to lay my hands on you."

And with no further chatter, I couldn't hear the Irish accent on the other side of the line anymore.