the arms i fall in - [ᴅɴғ]

[ 6 ]

words slurred together, the gentle clanging of the keys slowly faded away, the sounds becoming nothing but a visual fog. all he could think about was the old feeling of the warmth of his hands. he felt cold and bare, he felt like nothing.

he smelt this welcoming odor from a distance. the same candles they'd light on late nights, falling asleep to the faint lavendar. he was home with him. his arms were the only arms he'd fall in.

hearing him whisper sweet nothings that lulled him to sleep, feeling the gentle wind on his skin. yet knowing that with him, he was never cold.

"god," he whispered.

his eyes fluttered open, adjusting to the brightness of the church they sat in.

he looked towards the groom he wanted to call his. his breathing seemed uneven. his demeanor was not easily read.

his sisters walked down the aisle, yet his eyes were fixated on something else. he studied their beauty passively, like only one thing had his attention. he looked as if nothing else in the world mattered.

he could see the desperation in his eyes. he'd seen it in him too many times before. he'd looked straight at it back when they were sick in love for each other, when they were all too desperate. he was reckless. he hated to admit it, but he had to accept it.

want. it was want.

he knew he grabbed for the things he couldn't reach. he'd told him that it was thrilling, it gave him life. he'd said it so joyously, so innocently. he had no meaning behind what he'd said, other than truly enjoying the things that were just seen as fantasies.

he knew he couldn't wait. words couldn't rein him back. of course, it was dream. nothing can stop him once he knows what he wants. nothing gets in his way. not even the one who he'd shared so many secrets with.

he lied.

he lied about saying that they could still have a future together. he lied when he said he'd wait as long as it took. he was too impatient. too irrational.

he slumped down in his seat. he didn't lose hope quite yet. he believed in his words. he knew how much it'd break him to go back on such solid promises.

so even with all that, all the clues, all the obvious, he kept his faith in him. he shook all of it out of his head.

his love was bittersweet.

—————

it's hard to find peace of mind at an altar. it's not pleasant to know that someone in those pews loves you more than the one you must wed. it's hard to know that innocence is not something you possess in this situation.

he looked to his own hands, twiddling his thumbs. the guilt coursed through his veins, waiting to take his mind over. waiting until he was too fragile to go on. patiently sitting there, knowing that all of the pressure was enough to make him crack.

his voice never even escaped his lips. his skin hadn't even been within his reach. he'd never even exchanged one mutual and kind look of understanding. he'd only seen glares. but even that alone had him falling, slowly and tragically.

he winced. his thoughts of him swallowed him whole. he was taking him over, piece by piece. it haunted him. feeling his lips touch his own wouldn't help these matters.