Things I want to say but can't

1

Yesterday was really bad the day before was worse. Let's start with Sunday, I finally realized how little time I have with my best friend before she moves. Like always I over thought everything and cried. I didn't sleep that night. Monday, I came back home still thinking. Like always when someone leaves me, I thought of my bio mom. For context she left me when I was 8 or 9 but I can text her sometimes. Everything with her is another issue. I hung out with my little brother and big sib trying to get rid of the thoughts. I had to leave the room after 30 minutes, in my room I broke harder than I ever have. I thought about everyone I've ever known. I'm so broken, even if it's for something that they can't control, if someone goes away in my mind they left me. So many people have left me. I did something I shouldn't have, I texted the one who birthed me. I asked her why she didn't choose me why she left and her answers were so narcissistically cruel hidden behind apologies and lies. I yelled and cried and told her everything she's done I even told her about all the meds I take just to feel normal. I couldn't even fix myself long enough to eat a small dinner. Tuesday, still exhausted but I didn't have school so I didn't worry. I took a long shower and just tried to relax. Of course that didn't go as planned when that woman texted me. I kept it together as long as I could. Then around 6:00 I thought I heard my ex's voice.

TRIGGER WARNING — DESCRIPTIVE PANIC ATTACK

I stopped breathing. My eyes were wide. I remember I thought did she come back? will I finally be enough? And just like that I was hyperventilating I was so happy but, of course it was my mind playing tricks on me. As soon as I realized I cried and tried to slow my breathing. I grabbed pictures of us together and cried more. Then I got so angry. I threw  the pictures. I heard the glass brake. More tears, more anger. I threw more things. I sat on my bed and cried I hyperventilated more. I started to lay on my legs. I felt so much emotion in that moment that I'm still processing it. Then I realized I was having a panic attack, but it was to late and I couldn't stop. I was home alone with no way to contact anyone as it was so bad I couldn't move. That only added to my panic then I started losing feeling in my hands and legs. I cried more I thought I was going to die. I'm really lucky tho, I heard the garage (right underneath my room). I made loud noises trying to get someone's attention. My little brother heard and came into my room saw me and mess. He's only 8 so he was scared but he stood next to me and ask what's wrong. Sadly the only word I could say was 'mom' but he understood and got my (step) mom. She took one look at me and ran to me and yelled for my dad.

END TRIGGER WARNING

I'm feeling better today but it's still early so I'll update if anything happens.