The Connotations of Home

Chapter 5

September 30th, 11:00 pm

Louis

No one ever said coming out was meant to be easy, but damn this was taking an emotional toll on him and he wasn't even doing it yet.

The bed felt uncomfortable beneath him, even on top of the thick, cozy covers. There was no way he'd be able to sleep, or even attempt to, based on the speed at which his thoughts were racing. There was so much to think about, and it was just so hard.

The unjustifiably strong fear of everyday things, pretending to be someone you know that you aren't and hating it, yet being too afraid to say who you really are.

It was all too much and Louis was reaching his limit.

Everything in his life suddenly felt so delicate, and this could bring it crashing to the ground, shattering around him like a vase fallen from the highest shelf.

Even if his family did accept him, everything would still be different. He couldn't stand the thought of the awkward atmosphere after he'd said it, or if some family members knew and others didn't.

Would he tell them all together? Would he do it individually? Would they out him before he got the chance? There was too much to think about and it made his head feel unbearably heavy.

He didn't want the whole 'Don't worry about it! Be proud! Own it!" shit, like it's that easy to do. Like he's just supposed to drop his fears on the spot and walk out into a cloud of fucking rainbows.

They didn't understand that something like this came with an unreasonable amount of fear and he couldn't help that. His body filled with tension, turning everything muscle into stone every time the topic arose.

He knew that as soon as he said it, it wouldn't be his anymore. It's been his secret, his thing that makes him who he is for so long, and that would all disappear when he told someone. His family, at least.

It's different with Zayn. Zayn was like family, but in a different way. He didn't have to live with him.

No one would truly know exactly how he felt and he doesn't know how to say exactly how he feels, but at the same time he just wants to scream it, because it's been trapped in his mind and heart, hiding behind his lips for too long.

He knew because that's what happens with things like that. You hold it in your head, knowing exactly how hard it's been, and as soon as the words leave your mouth it's lost all effect. Because you can't string the words together for someone else to understand just how much it beat you to the ground and held you down without giving you a chance to get up.

He was terrified to lose all he'd gained- you work so hard to get to a certain place so you get knocked down, you fall so much harder than expected.

That's just the thing - The higher you build yourself up, the further you have to fall.

And Louis had worked so hard to be happy in his own skin. He was learning to accept himself piece by piece, and the tower he'd build could come crumbling down at the slightest touch.

No one knew how hard it was. This wasn't a normal struggle. No one else wanted to break free of this shell that feels so enclosed. No one else felt completely out of place or knew how it felt when someone referred to the very part of yourself that you were faking. It wasn't him. He wasn't what they see.

No other experience in the world was the same as this, it was incomparable. The fear, the nervous butterflies, the crowded head. It was unbearable.

He tried not to make it noticeable when he winced at the word 'girlfriend' or 'wife'.

All he knows for sure is that he loves Harry and he always has. He doesn't think he'll ever stop, even if he doesn't love him back. That's all he has right now but he's willing to take it. Harry is safe, he's comfort. He's home.