You Keep Me Breathing (BoyxBoy)

Part 19

"Idiot idiot idiot idiot ..but don't worry we both are." he muttered under his breath looking down slightly. He then stared deep into Matt's eyes. "Oh Matt i love you!" He choked out and broke down crying again at the same time he pulled Matt into his arms,gripping him tightly.

He hugged him tightly like he would be drowning. "I-I love you too... So much, y-you have no idea..." He found himself crying hopelessly. "I'm so sorry... But the pain... Tha blade looks so friendly, like... It's my skin crying, Mello. When all my tears are... Gone..."

Mello listened and cried harder. He knew exactly what it was like. "I...I know..." He croaked out but couldn't finish his sentence. He didn't let go off him.

"...you..." His teary eyes widened. "M-Mello... A-are you trying to tell me..."

Mello didn't answer right away. He looked down tears still falling from his face. Several times he tried to say something but he couldn't even open his mouth. At last though he managed an answer. "...y-yes..."

His heart seemed to be ripped in pieces. "N-no... Please no..." Matt got up in shock. "I knew it! I fucking knew it! I deserved every single MOTHERFUCKING CUT! I wasn't there, right?! It's all because of me!" He cried out and ran to his room. Sobbing still even harder. He shut the door and tried to not to broke. Of course it was useless. Mello did it too. It was all his fault. How was he so blind? So stupid?

Mello gasped and watched him go with widened eyes. "N-no Matt c-come back!!!" He cried out harshly. Of course it was easy to see that Matt blamed himself but he had nothing to do with it. He actually helped just by being there. Mello had hid it so well. He never had wanted him to know but should have known really that eventually he would find out one way or another. He tried to climb off of the bed ,ignoring the fact that he should stay and rest yet how could he when Matt had run off like this. He just wanted to be with him. As a result of trying to get off the bed he slightly lost balance and fell to the floor. He cried out in pain but didnt care he struggled to his feet and stumbled over to his room. Upon reaching his door he fell again. It had been awhile since had used his limbs properly.

He heard a 'thumb' sound, making him without a second thought to jump up and run to him. "Mello? Are y-you alright?" He asked kneeling.

Mello looked up at him sadly and the without saying anything he reached his arm out him. "I-its not you..its not your fault...please listen.." He croaked ignoring his question.

He pulled Mello to his lap and gulped. "Who is it to blame then! I was the only one who was supposed to make you happy! And I didn't even know! What was it? Please tell me so I can fix it! What a-am I doing wrong?"

"M-Matt shut up...I've been dealing with depression for years okay? I started when I was at Wammys even...Matt you do make me happy ...you're actually helping but..its its hard..especially having deal with it for so long..." He choked out softly and wrapped his arms tightly around his neck in sadness. "You think I don't feel the same about you? Why'd you do it even?...Matt just please don't blame yourself..."

"But I'm your fucking boyfriend... If you just told before..." He sighed. "I'm sorry..." he managed to contiune before just squeezing him and silenty wishing, that Mello would've cutted the redhead's skin. Not his own.

"I-i..didn't ..I didn't want to hurt you..." He stuttered out and rested his head over his shoulder and held onto him.

"I-it's alright now I guess... Maybe... We could heal each other...?" Matt mumbled rocking him softly back and forth.

"Y-yes..I want to help you..and I want to get better...it will be hard but...we can try" he teared a bit and then managed a faint weak smile.

"I love you," he said smiling a little. "And I always will, so don't be scared..."

"I..I know I ..love you too..so..so..much" he replied in a soft quiet voice and closed his eyes.

He tangled his fingers to Mello's soft hair. Relaxing a little.

He buried his head into his neck,nuzzling him a little and then kept it still.

"I love you," Matt said again. It was maybe the thing he said time after time, but it was real.

Mello slowly lifted his head and looked up at him,his eyes still sad but the love was there. He weakly smiled and pressed against him more.

He kissed his head softly. Where did Mello selfharm? He wanted to know.

The blonde didn't want Matt to discover his cuts and scars. They were so deep and ugly. It made him ashamed. He did on his thighs bit the redhead didn't need to know that. He didn't want to tell him. Couldn't bring himself to. On the other hand  He wanted to know why Matt did it ,figuring he had something to do with it. Mello continued to stare at him in silence. He guessed Matt would want to know why he cut too. But didn't want want to speak of it quite yet.

He sighed softly and stroked his hair. "Do you... Still do it..?"

Mello shivered a little and gave a slight nod of his head.

"...I'll stop, if you will as well..." He mumbled blinking quickly. He couldn't cry. Not anymore. "I-if you feel like it... C-cut me... Talk with me... Anything... Just not you..." He shivered, holding him tighter.

He shook his head in slight panic. "N-no ..I'm not gonna..hurt you..b-but I do want..to stop..I've tried before..its ..its just so hard.." He stuttered. He hadn't been open to Matt about his problems and he felt bad for that. Keeping his feelings locked away and acting like everything was fine was all he ever did.

He hugged him even tighter. "I can't let y-you hurt yourself...! Do you... Understand...?"

He held onto him as if his life depended on it. He didn't want to lose Matt. He had no one else. He didn't know what to say to that. "I..i-i'm sorry.." He only managed to say. It was all he could say.  Once again this was another regret of his but he couldn't stop himself, it just happened. He felt as though he had let Matt down. He never wanted to hurt him this way.

Matt kissed his head. "Please." He grabbed his hand and held it.

Mello blinked at him. "..I'll ..I'll try" he said quietly and closed his eyes. Once again he put his head on his shoulder and pushed It into his neck.

He smiled weakly. "Thank you..." The redhead whispered and squeezed his hand.

"You too" he whispered back in reply and held his hand tightly.

"I promise I'll try..." Matt mumbled, still ashamed. His sleeve fell down. His cuts were pretty deep and still bleeding slightly.

"I ..I know its not gonna be easy.." He said uneasiy keeping his head where it was. Having been doing for so long it would be even harder for the blonde to stop although he had no idea how long Matt had been doing it for. He hoped it hadn't been too long.

He looked at his wrist uncomfortably since it showed his cuts. Yet, he didn't want to pull his hand away. "Mels, it'll be fine... Won't it...?" It seemed more like a wish than a question.

Mello lifted his head slowly and his eyes widened slightly in panicked and he took a hold of his hand carefully. "Y-yes..but...it will scar.." He said quietly knowing he had gone this far. Tears formed his eyes but he shook his head and blinked them away. He didn't want to cry again.

"Don't... Look at it..." he mumbled ashamed. "I'm disgusting..." His voice shook like he did as well. "My skin is awful..."

Mello sighed closing his eyes for a moment still holding his hand. "You're still beautiful to me..." He Murmured and then opened his eyes again. He slid the sleeve back down covering it.  He then stared at Matt sadly.  "I..I hoped you would ..never go through this..." He choked and one tear fell.

"I'm not even through yet..." He sighed, wiping his tear away gently. "But I will, for you. I own you that and more."