Check, Please?

Chapter 2

  The bus doors closed behind me and I walked to the very back. I didn’t want to sit near anyone so I made sure there was at least three seats between me and the nearest person on all sides. The seat I sat on was old and the stuffing was starting to come out. It didn’t bother me because I just wanted to be alone. I wanted to be able to think without any worry and without reason to be afraid. I wanted to calm down. I know what is about to happen. I know I am about to get a sense of relief that I have missed for the last few days. There was no point to be sad or cry in this moment. No point to think of the horrid things that have happened in this thing called life that most use as a positive connotation even if the situation gets better.

 I reached into my pocket and pulled out my headphones. I prayed to God that these were the ones that worked. I pushed play and the song Hold on Till May by Pierce the Veil filled my with what some people called noise however to me it was some pretty damn perfect noise.

                The bus was heading down town, I planned to get off at the last stop and then walk down to what was called No Mans Forest. It is called that because it is said to be full of mystical creatures, but for God’s sake we live in Georgia. Why the hell would there be mystical creatures be here of all places. It’s too damn hot for any of them.

                As my music played I decided to pull out my diary and tried to write again.

         I am ready to take the blade out of my pocket and use it... It's calling my name. I know I have to wait till I get to the forest. But it just feels like It's going to take forever. I am just done with this world. 

        I have everything to die. Suicide letter and everything. But I promised whiskers (yes my cat) that I'd stay alive at leat until he died. Pathetic I know but hes the only one I--

The bus driver called out "Last stop, Everyone off for the night."

        I shoved my journal into my bag and tossed the bag over my right shoulder. I hurriedly walked off the bus and stood on the sidewalk until I could no longer see the bus or its lights. I quickly took off my shoes and put them in my bag where my journal,  a sweater, and a few other things sat.

        I made sure the straps were tight on both sides and then took off. I ran until I could not see a sigh of life. I needed to make sure there would not be anyone who would accidentally walk up on me. I needed to be completely alone. I sat down on the ground and pulled out my water bottle and took a few gulps. I took out my journal and the first aid kit. I decided to write a little more in my journal.

        You know, I am pretty crazy. Here I am in the middle of no where (by the way I do have a flashlight. I am not totally crazy) writing in this stupid journal with a first aid kit in front of me. I know that's crazy. I want to die. I am going to self harm with the intention of making it ad yet here sits a first aid kit for me to use. Well I do not want to get caught. I want to do this on my own terms. I do not need to end up in any ward. I do not want medicine. I will not take it, I refuse.

        Anyways I am going to try to do only five deep ones. Then I will lay here as the blood flows from me and look at the stars. There is a clearing the the trees right above my head. It's the perefect spot for me. Close to the things that I love most about this messed up world. It almost makes me want to live. However my love for these things is not enough to over power my hatred for human beings.

        I close my journal and put it next to me. I reached into my wallet and pulled out a blade. It was a normal blade that anyone can buy at hobby lobby. They come in a ten pack for about twelve dollars after taxes. 

        I look at the blade. I named this one Jake. I named each and everyone of my blade. Each one is named after someone or something that has helped me become like I am today.

        I let myself admire the piece of metal shine in the moonlight and the light from my flash light. Then without blinking or pausing for a second i pressed the blade into my freezing skin and dragged it across while pushing as hard as I could. When  I lifted the blade from my skin blood dropped down from it's perfect edge. I took a deep breath. I cut deeper than I had originally planed. I looked at my wrist. Open for the world to see. To see that inside I am just like everyone else. That this body is just that, a body. If I die it won't change anything.

        I fell back and layed on the ground. I decided I needed a moment before I did it again. Hey it wasn't like anyone is going to figure out I am missing or look for me.

        I am a nobody.

        I am wothless.

        No one cares about a girl with scars. No one cares about the foster girl. No one cares about the child abused by men, No one cares about other people's sex toys.

        No one cares for something they don't know exist. I mean how could they?