Gathering all the strength and courage I have, I called him through messenger.
I prepared myself for an intense and long explanation but nothing came out of my mouth the moment he answered my call.
"Five f*cking years, Cassandra!"
Yes, after five years kausap ko na ulit siya.
I broke up with him through chat. I sent him a message, nag-reply naman siya, explaining himself, na hindi ko na sinagot kahit kailan. He tried calling me, too, but I never answered. The reason why I never blocked him is because I haven't really been checking my Facebook until last month.
When I moved to Thailand, I deleted all my social media apps except for instagram. Doon nag private naman ako at pamilya at mga bagong kaibigan ko lang ang nakakaalam. There are other means to talk with my family aside from those apps.
I am lost for words. I don't know what to answer back. Five years of no communication with him but it felt like only yesterday. I tried to suppress my feelings and in the end where did it brought me?
Sa kanya pa rin.
Baliw pa rin sa kanya. Nagmamahal pa rin sa kanya. Umaasa na sana kami pa rin kahit alam kong may iba na.
He had a long pause.
When he spoke again, I noticed the difference in his voice.
"Did you have plans of telling me, Sands? Kung hindi ba siya accidentally nag-live, sasabihin mo ba sa'kin?" He asked in a rough voice, like he was crying. "Ganoon mo ba ako sobrang kinamumuhian that you didn't intend to tell me about our child?!" He spat. He's mad now and he has every reason to be.
I cried. Lahat ng tinatago kong sakit sa dibdib, ibinuhos ko sa iyak. Lahat ng pagod, pagtitiis, hinanakit. All the nights I spent nursing my child alone. All the moments I wished he was a part of. All my what ifs and could have beens. Hindi ko alam kung kaya kong sabihin lahat, pero maintindihan kaya niya ang gusto kong sabihin sa pamamagitan ng pag-iyak?
"Huwag mo kong daanin sa iyak," he angrily said, "we're passed that already! You're five years late!"
Hearing that made me stop crying. I sobbed silently, pausing for a few minutes before answering.
"Would it make a big difference if I told you?" I started. I cannot see him but I know it made him pause and think. "Kung sinabi ko ba, uuwi ka? Kung nalaman mo kaagad, pananagutan mo ba?"
I know asking him these questions is unfair for him. Five years passed already and I am still stuck up to who and what he was five years ago. I got it bad.
"Five years ago you left and I had no complaints. It was bound to happen anyway." I paused, trying to make him understand and continued, "But we made a promise to keep in touch with each other in which you failed, Ali. Kasi pag-alis mo ng Pilipinas, kasabay noon ang hindi mo na pagpaparamdam. Sa una nagre-reply ka pa, pero habang tumatagal nawawalan ka na ng gana. While I was still making an effort to make our relationship work kahit LDR, unti-unting nare-realize ko din na pagkatapos mong makuha ang gusto mo sa akin..." I stiffled a cry, not wanting to let him know that this is hurting me until now. "Hahanap ka din ng iba, kasi hindi ka makukuntento sa isa."
Tahimik siya at hindi nagsasalita sa kabilang linya. I know I should stop but this is all or nothing. Kung hindi ko ngayon sasabihin, kailan pa?
"Letting you go broke my heart but you'll never know how much. It was the bravest decision because I know it will hurt me more than you. I know you from the very beginning and I accepted you. I loved you despite of knowing na baka hindi ka naman seryoso. Baka parausan lang ako sayo. Sumugal ako kasi akala ko worth it ka, Ali. Nasaktan man ako pero hindi kita pwedeng sisihin. It's all on me. Kaya masisisi mo ba ako kung gustuhin ko mang itago ang lahat at buhayin mag-isa ang anak ko? I didn't want to confuse you more. Ayokong mamili ka kung Canada o anak ko. Even though you hurt me, I want the best for you. And I wasn't wrong, Alister. Looking at you now, happy and successful, I have no regrets."
Yes, I am being truthful not only to him but to myself, too.
Seeing his photos and reading his posts on Facebook last month made me realized that I made the right decisions. I'm happy for the man he became.
"You are completely wrong." He sadly stated after a long pause. "The decision was not yours to make in the first place. It was mine and you robbed me off that chance to decide if I want to be present in my daughter's life or not. I wanted to make it work with you but you didn't give me a chance. I tried explaining myself but you never replied. You cut me out of your life for five years and now I'll find out we have a daughter. Do you know how that feels?"
I guess this is really how we're supposed to be - no matter how clearly we explain each other's side, we'll never totally understand. He has his reasons, I have mine.
Our worlds never meet.
Even when we were younger, these are the same things that we used to fight over and over again.
I grew up in a family so different from him.
He's spoiled, I wasn't.
He's the youngest, I am the oldest.
He always have his ways, I am just too submissive to him.
I wanted to tame him but I failed.
I wanted to see him succeed and make a name for himself.
Even though people doesn't want to believe in him anymore, I have high hopes that he will change. He will be better!
I loved him, still love him, with all my heart and whole-being. I even gave him myself to prove that!
But I guess, what's bound to end will end no matter how much we try to hold on to it.
Let's put it this way...
Maybe my love for him was too intense that we'll both burn if one won't make a step backward, and sadly, that person had to be me.
"We cannot turn back the past and throwing stones at each other all the time won't do our daughter any good, Alister. I am willing to compromise for my daughter's sake, if you will. Just call me once you've cleared your head." I said before cutting the conversation.
