Soukoku One Shots

Without You

Short oneshot where Chuuya died fighting mimic instead of odasaku but he used corruption instead of getting shot

It has been 4 years. 4 years without Chuuya by my side. I can't remember a single time I sincerely smiled since that day. I wake up at night from nightmares where I can feel the warmth of his blood on my hands, the weight of his head in my lap, the cold of his hands when they touched my cheek. Sometimes I dream of him being there in front of me, telling me to be happy, that he's okay, that it's okay to move on, but Chuuya, don't you understand I can't? I can't move on because everything good in my life disappears... you disappeared. I can't move on because you were amazing, you were the best partner. I never told you how much you meant to me Chuuya. All I did was tease you since I was too scared to lose you, and yet I lost you anyways. You told me to find the light, but Chuuya, you were my light. I hate that you told me to live on without you, because now I'm stuck in an endless loop of days that can't be spent with you. I loved you Chuuya, and I still do. I don't think there'll ever be a day in my life I don't love you.

Today is the 4th anniversary of the day Chuuya died. Everyone at the agency could tell something was off this week, because every year I take the same day off then come back the next day with puffy eyes and a slight hangover. I had a dream last night... he was so real. I wanted to reach out and touch him, but when I did, my hand went straight through him like he was mist. He had teared up in my dream and said "I wish I could touch you too dazai... I should have told you... I'm sorry..." Should have told me what? What do you want to tell me Chuuya? "Please!" I had pleaded in my dream. I always plead in these dreams: "Please don't die, not again!" "Please don't leave me Chuuya!" " please... please come back..."

I heard knocking at my door. I knew who it was, he comes every year, and every year I say the same thing: "odasaku I want to be alone," but every year he never listens. You would do the same wouldn't you Chuuya? You were so stubborn, always there for other people, but who was there for you?

"Oda, I want to be alone." Oda walked in anyways as he always does.

"All I'm going to do is drink tonight and you know that, so why come?" I asked as I started opening a bottle of whiskey, not even caring to get a glass before taking a long swig of the burning liquid.

"Because I'm your friend Dazai." I took another swig which quickly turned into half the bottle being gone.

"You need to stop this dazai, it isn't healthy to keep holding on to him." Another drink.

"You think I haven't tried? I loved him, and I never told him. Maybe if I had told him he would have stayed..." Another drink.

"You can't think like that dazai, he wouldn't have wanted this for you-"

"I know that! I know he wanted nothing more for me and everyone else to be happy... he promised me... he promised he would never use corruption without me around..." Another drink. At this point I feel my eyes start to water, I feel the tears getting ready to fall as they caused my vision to blur.

I hit the counted as hard as I could. It hurt, but I don't care.

"Damn it! Why did he have to go, Oda?! He could have just stayed, or we could have done it together!" I was losing it and I knew it. I started to sob pathetically. Odasaku tried to comfort me, and I know he means his best, but I can't right now, I hate him seeing me like this, all drunk and pathetic.

"Leave odasaku... I really do just want to be alone." Oda knows me well enough to know I truly mean it, I want to be alone. He got up and left, saying "don't do anything stupid dazai..." As if I could anyways, I promised Chuuya I'd live on for him. I just want to be with him again, to pet his ginger hair and stare into those beautifuly deep ocean eyes, but most importantly, to tell him how much I love him. To tell him how much I need him, how much life without him has been hell every waking moment.

I got up and walked to my bedroom where I saw pills... a full bottle of my anti depressants. No... I can't. I promised Chuuya. But... he broke his promise too, so can't I break mine? Maybe I can see him again in the afterlife. At that though I grabbed the pills then downed them with the rest of the alcohol in my cabinet. I felt my vision getting blurry, but when I finally closed my eyes and felt my breathing stop, I saw light, and I saw him reaching for me. "Chuuya..." He was crying.
"B-Baka, I told you to live on... yet I'm so happy you're here."

"Chuuya..."
"Quit repeating my name and grab my hand dazai."

"But then you'll disappear again!"
He wiped a tear and smiled. "Not anymore, you're here now too." I reached out and took his hand then hugged him tightly and cried.

"I love you Chuuya!" I sobbed yet again. He pet my hair still crying, both were tears of happiness.

"I know dazai, because I love you too."