Paper Walker

Chapter 18

Dear Sorley,

I'm sorry I'm not who you thought I was. I thought it was enough just to see you as a person, but apparently you expected more from me.

I've already said goodbye to your grandma. She's the most amazing grandmother I've ever known and I don't blame her for hoping things will get better. Isn't that what good parents or grandparents or caretakers ought to do? Hoping for more for their children? It has absolutely nothing to do with valuing the way you are now, because if there is anyone who values you, it's grandma Meghan. If you ever speak to her the way you raged against me, I will personally come back and hit you in the face.

I will try to get an earlier flight back, so I'll be gone when you read this.

Be well, Sorley. I will never forget you, no matter how much it will hurt me, thinking about what we could have had.

Love, Zara

It took me a hundred attempts to write the first letter, but these words flow right out of my pen. With my briefcase next to the door, which I locked, I lie on the bed and set my alarm for four o'clock.

---

The sound beside my head, takes me out of an irritating dream and as still as possible I get dressed. Sneaking over the courtyard, I push the letter under Sorley's door and then I lift my suitcase and carry it to the side of the road. The taxi is precisely on time and because the first bus to Denver won't leave for another hour, I eat some breakfast at the station.

With my earplugs in my ear, I sit and stare out the window of an almost empty bus, at the nature outside that captivated me just a week ago. This time I hardly see it. Melancholy melodies distract me from people getting in and when I arrive at the airport, hours seem to have flown.

I can get an earlier flight, again with a stopover and it lasts a little longer, but I don't care. I want to leave America right now.

From the moment I decided to leave early, I texted Isla and she has, from the moment she woke up, provided me with a regular stream of messages. Most are questions about what happened and why I return so soon and if everything is okay. I text her I'll tell everything when I get back, but that the battery of my cellphone is almost empty and I'm saving the rest for when I get back in the Netherlands.

Sorley texted me as well. There are four new messages waiting for me. I don't read what he send me.

Maybe, looking back, it didn't matter much that I took an earlier flight, because in Atlanta I have to wait so long that I am exhausted when I'm finally on the plane back to Amsterdam. Gratefully I close my eyes and fall asleep straight away.

---

It's almost dawn again when I wake up. Oh, right, that's true. I'm flying with the time, so every hour counts for two.

At Schiphol I turn on my phone and call Isla.

"Are you there? Stay put, we're coming to get you. Same place we dropped you off. Hang in there, Zaar, we'll be right there."

Slowly I saunter from the arrival hall to the spot Isla and Bram are about to pick me up and there I sit down on a short pole. A few taxi drivers ask me if I need a ride, but each time I shake my head and after the third time they get the point. When Bram's car comes in sight and a few minutes later, Isla jumps out and gives me a bear hug, tears spontaneously begin to fall again. Quickly she directs me into the car for the last part of the journey and only because Bram is with us, I reign myself in.

Isla moved all my stuff back into my room over the past week, and stayed in the guest room herself. So, at last, when we're alone in my room, I break. Literally. Well, maybe not literally, even though it feels that way. There is a crack that runs through my face, because the river of tears won't stop any more. And also through my stomach, because that hurts so much. Must be from hunger, for I hardly ate anything on board and my rhythm is completely upset. Yet the biggest tare runs through my heart. Because now that I am back home, I am certain that whatever plans for the future I dreamed about in these past months, have become entirely impossible.