Paper Walker

Chapter 8

On Sunday I don't feel like doing anything. My small pile of books lies purposeless next to my bed and makes an extra table for my phone. Every now and then my hand reaches for it, but up till now I've managed to contain myself. I can't look at his face without hearing his last words. He was saying goodbye, I know it. I'll never see him again.

Longer than usual I stick around my mum, watching silly shows on Netflix. I even call my father to arrange for me spending a week with him this summer. His happy response cheers me up a bit, but not enough to make me happy as well. Isla texts me and I text back. No, I can't go into town with her, I've run out of money days ago. Spend it all on almond paste cakes and cups of Latte Macchiato. It's a lame excuse of course and Isla sees right through my transparency. So I text her I'm having an off day, because I am obligated to spend a whole week with my father, because my mother wants to get rid of me. It's the truth. I am having a bad day and I do have to go to my dad's. She doesn't need to know those two aren't connected.

Would it be fun to tell her about my weird book-thing? I'd have to test first if it's possible to take someone with me over the border and I don't feel up to it now.

Before I know it, it's eight o'clock and I'm in my training bottoms and sweatshirt on my bed, staring at the black screen of my cellphone. In may lap is the booklet with the blue linen cover. Without noticing it, I advanced further and further in the story. There's only a few pages left that separate the ribbon from the ending. For five minutes I'm sitting totally still, not doing anything. Then I take a deep breath, put my phone aside and open my paper portal.

The room is empty.

I crawl backwards on the bed and wait with my back against the wall for a sign of life. Through my mind fly all the words I've read this last few days. Has it only been a short week? Did I even finish the booklet the first time I read it? I can't remember the ending.

I'm sure he won't come and still I remain seated. Outside the sky colours darker, until the oil lamp is the only light my eyes can find. Then I get up.

It feels wrong to leave the lantern on with nobody in the room, so I open the glass door and blow out the flame. When I turn around to find my way back to the bed, I suddenly bump into something big. A soft thing. A thing that says: "Why is it so dark in here?"

I think I wake up the entire household with the scream that leaves my lungs.

"Wow, Zara, take it easy, it's only me. I thought ... I thought that ... I wasn't sure you'd be here. I wanted to give you something, but I was too afraid and so I planned on leaving it behind. But that's stupid, because it will only disappear in the book."

My ears ring and my heart is beating so fast he must hear it and I'm mad at him, but at the same time incredibly relieved he's here. So my arms find his waist and I hold on for dear life.

A few seconds later I feel his hands patting my back and I laugh out loud, because I can totally imagine how awkward this must be for him.

"Sorry, I had to do that. I was afraid I'd never see you again and that would be awful. Not, not that I want anything from you, I mean, I know we can never, well, you know. And I know you're gay, probably, and that-"

My rambling gets cut off abruptly by two hands that grab my shoulders and push me back with some force.

"Gay?" His voice spikes. "What makes you think that?"

The moon must be out, because I'm beginning to see a little again. His silhouette traces a black outline against the grey surroundings. I stammer: "N... not? I thought, you and Michael. You were so heartbroken for losing him. The booklet ... well, it was never implied, but each time I mentioned him you got this sad look in your eyes."