MY SWEET OASIS | Harry Styles

Chapter 4: "It's always the hard way"

**PLAY THIS SONG NOW ALL THE WAY THROUGH UNTIL YOU SEE THE BOLD TEXTS**

Throughout my life, I was never one to go against my thoughts. In fact, it's nearly impossible for me to shut them off, the metaphorical overthinking switch is nonexistent in my mind. More than often, my overthinking would drive me to the darkest frightening place in my mind; making me nothing but a complete neurotic.

Nothing scares me more than my mind. How dark and petrifying it can be, like a dark maze with no escape and the more you run the more lost you get. When I get stuck in my wind whirl of a brain, I lose control over myself; like how a car gets loose when the tires get cut. Nothing but complete chaos.

No matter how hard I try and distract my mind, it never works; the overthinking makes it's way back to me like how a lion hunts its prey. It's inevitable.

But when my eyes saw the blue stuffed bear that drowned countless times in my tears; my heart stopped beating and my thoughts ran wilder than ever. Then suddenly, it just stopped and everything was silent. I finally found the metaphorical switch, I wished so many years in my life for. The million voices talking all at once, shutting up and leaving me in complete silence.

I've never experienced deafening silence like this before...honestly it feels like it could kill me. It alarms me how scary it is, or maybe my fucked up brain normalized the earth-shattering noise and foreignized the craved comfortable silence. Which is more proof of how much of a mess I am.

The main reason why these voices started talking in my head was that I didn't want to feel anything anymore. The pain is unbearable and I was so tired of talking and feeling my heart getting broken piece by piece every day. There aren't enough words in the world that could come close to describing how much that pain hurts me.

Sometimes it feels like someone is destroying an entire building on my heart, other times it feels like I'm drowning over and over in the deepest ocean and sometimes it feels like someone is burying me alive. All of those feelings combined together, adding much worse and multiple the pain by ten.

The only thing that stops the pain is not to feel anything. I became a slave for numbness because all I wanted was to be able to breathe for three seconds without choking on my own sobbings. Being numb is the only thing that works if you don't feel pain, you don't feel like crap all the time.

At least that's what I'm trying to convince myself. The numbness only stopped the crying and hyperventilating, the pain is still there. I feel it all the time, it learned to flow in my blood and I realized that it'll never go away. The pain never stops. I defaulted my body to feel nothing but the heavy feeling. People lie when they say it'll get better, it fucking doesn't. You just learn to live with it, you learn to shut yourself from life and feel nothing.

For almost two years, I didn't allow myself to feel anything but pain. Griefing and trying to live again are two extremely hard for me to go through. Crying all the time was so exhausting, not being able to breathe because someone just took your heart away is unbearable.

Though now, all I want to do is cry. It's exhausting but at least it took some of the pain away, falling asleep was much easier back then. Tears fell and took some of the heaviness with them. I want to feel content again, I'll never forget and my heart will forever be broken. I just want peace. Unfortunately, I'm trapped in a metaphorical room with a million voices in my head screaming all at once and never-ending numbness.

A few hours ago, my mind almost slipped against its altered default and was about to let my grief back. The keyword almost is crucial because as soon as I felt something else but the numbness, I left the apartment because I knew if I stay longer I'll let myself go back to when everything happened. That is when suddenly everything shut down, there was nothing. I just felt empty, not a single emotion in my body. Absolutely blank.