MY SWEET OASIS | Harry Styles

Chapter 1: "Hurt people, hurt people"

ONE YEAR LATER

His voice got louder and louder with each passing second. I could feel my heart racing out of the many emotions all rushing through me at once and his voice that is drumming at me like loud church bells is not helping. This only makes it much worse.

He got quiet for a second whispering, "This is all your fault!" Then he starts shouting again. "YOUR FAULT!!"

He kept pacing in front of me with tears filled with nothing but hatred and anger toward me. He only stopped every few seconds to look me in the eye to remind me how horrible I am.

I feel myself hyperventilating and my voice shakes, "Wha-What was I supposed to do? This is something I had..no c-control over, Alex please this is heartbreaking enough...don't make it harder,"

"No! I'm not making anything any harder Siwa, I'm just stating facts." he stops his movement and daggers me with his eyes.

My heart feels like a building just collapsed on it, I have never been this heartbroken. I don't think heartbreak is the correct word here because it feels way beyond that.

And I don't need him to break me even more.

"I hate you. Do you hear me Siwa? I hate you so fucking much! We were gonna be happy and YOU ruined it, I will never forgive you. You get to live with this for the rest of your pathetic life." Alex finally stops, dropping on the chair across me with his body feeling exhausted from all the anger and sadness rushing through him.

I stay still as I continue to cry with my head between my hands, "I hate me too...more than you'll ever know."

I will never forgive myself. I don't deserve it.

I did this to us.

*****
I jerk in my bed, groaning at the loud noise of construction going outside my house just like it has been for the past 3 days. I hate waking up early, I hate it even more when something stupid wakes me up.

I try to go back to sleep, but it's nearly impossible because the noise is getting worse. Thirty minutes go by and I am admitting defeat. I'm supposed to be meeting Sarah in an hour, so might as well start getting ready now.

Sarah has been touring for the past few months with her band across the globe, with Harry. I haven't seen him since our blind date, he never called back but then again I never gave him my number. His face, however, is everywhere I go. The success he has been getting is immense, his latest single has been on the charts ever since it came out 6 months ago.

Not that I have been stalking him or anything, Sarah is the one telling me all the details since it is her success as well. We never talked about my date with Harry, maybe he told her he didn't enjoy it and that made her scared to ask me. It's better this way.

After getting ready, I decide to go for a run before meeting Sarah at the coffee shop. Running has been one of my many ways of coping mechanisms, it clears my mind from all the never-ending thoughts I am overwhelmed with every day.

I will do anything to make me not think.

Sarah is already sitting at our table waiting for me. I take a seat and sip some water, all while she is sitting quietly. She is never quiet.

"What?" I ask, shaking my head confusingly at her.

Her poker face is in full force today until she finally breaks and lets out the biggest smile I've ever seen on her.

"Mitch asked me to marry him and I said YES!" I almost choke on my water from how happy I am. She has been waiting for him to ask her for so long.

"Sarah! This is amazing, congratulations," overwhelmed with tears, I go to hug her. We hold onto each other for a few minutes, Sarah is my cousin but we have been brought up together as sisters since our mothers never had sons.

"Thank you! God, I was so nervous about telling you," I frown and take a step back, asking her why would she ever feel that way. "I didn't know how you would react considering...y'know..."

I know what she is insinuating and it makes me feel like the worst person on the planet. I have become too miserable in my life to the point that my own cousin is nervous about sharing her happy big moments with me.

She has been there for me for every downfall in my life; this is how I repay her. I want to cry, however, my eyes fail me every time and the tears never fall.

"Please never let my own problems stop you from telling me anything...happy or sad, I will be there for you. You have to stop worrying about me," I look at her with so many emotions so she can really understand what I am saying. "You have no idea how excited I am for you, let me be part of your happiness like you've been in mine."

Sarah nods hesitantly, she has been walking on eggshells around me for a while now. She thinks I don't notice her, but I do.

"We are having a small gathering at our house to celebrate and I want you to come now before you start it's go-"

"Of course, I'll come," I stop her mid-sentence. All that guilt is rushing through me, I have become so selfish towards Sarah and I need to fix it right now. Going to her gathering is the first step.

It is worth it because Sarah's smile gets even wider and pulls me into another hug. We spent the rest of the hour talking about her and the wedding. They want to get married this year, so there is a lot of work to do. I am determined to help her through the whole process.

The whole conversation I am doing nothing but provide her with my every second of attention. She talks about how she wants to have a small wedding, preferably on some Italian island or anywhere tropical. Her wedding theme is going to be nature themed, the bridesmaids will stick to a specific colour palette but will have the freedom to choose their own design. Mitch really wants to have everyone they care about involved, so they're going to be surrounded by so much love. It's going to be so beautiful, Sarah has everything down to the detail.

I listen and listen to every detail.

All of it.

I am so happy for her, she deserves it.

And I hate myself for not doing this often, for not asking and checking up on her as she does with me. I hate myself for being so selfish, my mother always said "hurt people, hurt people". I have hurt Sarah in more ways than I can count, she might not show it but I know I did.

A few hours later and I am sitting in my living room again. This time with a photo album in my hands. I know I won't open it...I can't open it.

Maybe one day I will have the courage to face what I am running away from. I hold it close to my heart like every night. I go to bed with it like every night and I fall asleep with it every night. I know I'm asleep because it replays...His voice got louder and louder with each passing second. I could feel my heart racing out of the many emotions all rushing through me at once and his voice that is drumming at me like loud church bells is not helping. This only makes it much worse...