To Love Somebody

Jay

The air pressure in the cab was at an all time high. I was usually pretty well trained to deal with high pressured issues but not my own personal trip to hell. I had forgotten how much of an effect places and people would have on me when I came home. The train ride had been torture, knowing Katie was mere rows away from me. I wanted to talk to her, kiss her, and apologize to her.

I wanted her to know the remorse I had for my stupid, childish decisions. I could feel the beast wail and plead out to go and apologize to her, to make all right again between us. I wished to myself that I could have the courage to go up to her and tell her everything I missed about her. I wanted to tell her that she was with me the whole time I was away. I would carry her picture around in my helmet and say silent prayers of protection for her. I prayed to the universe that I could be forgiven, that she would forgive me.

I looked to her in that moment where she touched my shoulder and I felt everything hit me like a freight train. I needed her to know that I was the most sorrowful man on this planet. That I would literally do anything to prove to her that I was worthy of her love again. I was such a stupid boy. I was being punished for letting her go. I was so naive and scared of the future. I was so hollow and broken when I let her go. I was a shell of who I am now, I guess I still am. I'm nothing without her.

She needs to know I've changed, for the better. I am better. I am not that teen boy that she had to help through the depression. I needed her to know that there was nothing more in this world that matters than her and our love.

The whole cab ride I kept thinking about that trip we took into the city with Grace. The fun we had that day and the love I felt for Katie. I remember watching Grace skate around so carefree and wishing I could always see her smile. I tried to push the memory back into the cage with the beast but it kept rearing its head again in rage. I knew Katie was aware of my struggle, that's why she outreached to me.

When I saw her eyes and the concern in them I felt so angry. I felt the surge of pain barrel into my chest and I cursed at myself. I couldn't even speak to her. My body was writhing inside with the torment of saying something to her, but what? I didn't know what to say to the girl who stole my heart away from me, who ruined all others for me. The one girl who knew my soul for all of its worth. I stared at her as she turned away from me and I cringed inwardly.

I needed to make things right between us again. I needed her again and she knew it. I could read her too. I could see her inner struggle. She's gotta know I won't be able to last out here , in the real world, without her.

The cab pulled up outside the hotel and Mike paid the driver. I didn't even offer, my hands frozen by my sides. I found my gaze drift to Katie again. My brooding must have been enough to warn her to stay away and she bolted out of the cab. I watched her scurry up the main entrance and into the hotel.

Mike popped his head into the car to catch my attention, "Well that wasn't too bad!" he laughed awkwardly and shut the door. I got out and collected my gear. This was going to be the worst weekend.

⟷

When the rehearsal came around I was ready to burst. I was dying for drink, just a sip of something to numb me. I had rebuilt my trust in alcohol after the winter of grief. I didn't touch it for years but when my parents met up with me in Europe I found myself leaning back into it as an adult. I became more responsible through my service. I learned to cope with my demons there. The desert was my therapy. The coldest, most thorough, and permanent therapy.

We all gathered outside the ballroom. I changed into a dress shirt and blazer. I still wasn't used to the feel of civilian clothes. I adjusted the collar around my neck in a mirror and turned to the small crowd. Mike stood with me and his parents. They welcomed me back like the son I was to them. Mike Sr. and Eileen always made me feel like a part of their family. Mike was an only child and after the day in kindergarten we were brothers for life. The Simpsons were my second family and would always be there for me, I felt it in my blood. When you know something is solid and supportive it stays, unless it was never really yours, then it withers and leaves you unsupported. We stood, the four of us and waited for others to gather. I could feel myself sweat as I waited to see Katie again.