To Love Somebody

Jay

The minute those little fingers left me I slipped back into my rage for Katie. How could she have been so selfish, so conniving, so evil. When I finally saw Katie's daughter up close I knew instantaneously that she was mine. My heart swelled with pride and I felt myself soaring through the sky. She got me on such a high. Her eyes, pierced me with love the minute she met my gaze. I was in love in that precise moment. Head over heels, soul to soul, in love with my daughter.

Her hair bounced down the aisle as she threw her petals with such determination. She had to be almost five years old. I tried to calculate the time in my mind and it made sense. I warmed with the fact that I had fathered that child. Taking in all her glory, every mannerism. Her smile was wide and bright. Her nose crinkled like mine did when I was thinking. And her eyes, those green emeralds were mine and I felt my heart flying try to tell her that I knew she was mine.

The minute Katie's dad picked her up he glanced over at me and I nodded to confirm my discovery. I watched her hug her grandfather with such passion and then she turned to watch her mother come down the aisle.

My rage rose as I couldn't believe she hadn't told me. She lied to me. She lied to me and hid my daughter from me for five years. I clenched my teeth together and my fists balled. The amount of hurt I had in my body was something I hadn't felt in so long. The memories I had of that year we were together rush forward like a wrecking ball.

Mike clears his throat and I try to snap back into best man mode, but I can't. I watched Katie join us on the altar and I felt such disgust for her in that moment. She could have made it all different for us. She could had be a decent person and made me a part of our daughter's life but she didn't.

I come back to reality and plaster on my fake smile. I find myself retreating to that dark place where I hid myself before, where no one could find me, except Katie. She had found me there before and she pulled me out. Not this time.

This time it would only be our daughter that could pull me out of this hell. It was when my daughter, our daughter, came between us and grabbed my hand that I felt that force of wind zoom through my body. The ethereal peace and calmness had settled me immediately and I felt the pull of her power as we moved. She made me laugh with her energy, she was so strong.

When we stood in the receiving line she still held my hand, and squeezed it occasionally to remind me of her presence. There's no way I'm ever going to let go of you, I kept thinking. I found myself sneaking glances at her and Katie. I was torn between my extremes. I could figure out which person I was supposed to be; the vengeful ex or new father. The confusion and the emotion were making me soft. I felt like falling on the ground right there in defeat. Katie had truly torn me piece by piece and then burnt me up in the matter of a day.

The little girl next to me fidgeted and did a little dance holding me in her palm.

I felt the grasp lessen and her pulse disappeared from mine. I felt the ice float back into my veins. They took off for the restroom and I stood there and watched the line bulge and thin with guests. When I started to see familiar faces the anger pricked my skin. I watched Katie's parents walk out with mine. I hadn't seen my parents sneak in but my dad had that ability, he's natural ability to slide in and out when convenient.

My mom saw my glare and shook her head at me. She hid behind my father and he caught my glare. They came closer and Patty and Al deflected to the other side of the hall towards and back around to Susie and Mike.

I stood there with my broken heart and tried to calm myself down, counting my breaths, inhaling and exhaling. I could feel the burn in my chest from the shards of pain traveling to and from my heart.