To Love Somebody

Katie - The Past

February

The past two days have been pure hell. The Sachs have all been bedridden with grief since they got the news about Grace. They all shut down completely. Mr. Sachs had been holding it together the first night but he lost all willpower that next day. He was a mess. I never in my life had witnessed a grown man cry like he did. He wailed into the silence of the house. He got on his knees at one point and pleaded with God to bring his baby back. I lost it and had to have my mom pick me up. The house was an emotional typhoon I was ill equipped to weather.

When I got home I recounted every second of the night to make sure it was real. I remember the way Jay latched onto me like his life depended on it. I remember the pressure his fingers made on my body as he squeezed me tight. My heart was dying the more I stayed there and watched them all crumble.

I went to church that next morning and prayed like I had never prayed before. I poured every bit of my soul, devotion to God, and hope into my prayers for Grace. I never really knew if my prayers would be answered or what it was I was praying for. I had no way of knowing if Grace would make into heaven. I had no way of confirming that my faith in the invisible was the right choice. I questioned my faith in those moments in the pew next to my mother. I listened to her cry silently next to me and prayed with all of her forty-five years of spiritual force.

I sat in that pew after mass for some time thinking about what happened to Grace. I wondered why God had decided to take her away from us so soon. She was quickly becoming one of my friends but that would never be now. I would never be able to see her again. I remember feeling the sharp pressure in my chest as I thought about the heartache her family was going through.

I tried to call Jay but he didn't answer so I texted his cousins to ask if he was out of bed but Steve reported everyone was on lockdown in their rooms. I told him I would stop by after school on Monday but I grew nervous. What was I supposed to do? How was I supposed to pick this boy up onto his feet and move forward? I was scared of the pain he would go through and I knew I wouldn't be able to be the one to help him.

On Monday, I asked the sisters at school if we could dedicate the mass to Grace and they obliged. I really needed all their prayers to work. I needed to have the force of the faith guaranteed to me that without a doubt Grace's soul would be in heaven. I remember crying in mass and Susie and Jessie holding me in their embrace. I remember they walked me out as I began to sob in the pew causing my peers to lose track their own prayers. By Monday afternoon I wasn't as strong as I thought I should be but regardless Susie took me to see Jay.

When we got to the house it was eery and too quiet. I walked in and saw Jay's aunts around the kitchen table and a few people scattered throughout the house. I took Susie upstairs to Jay's room. As we got up there Mike met us. He had come over earlier in the day after he got out from school. He warned us that it was pretty bad but we didn't believe him until he lead us into Jay's room.

The first thing I noticed was the smashed mirror over his dresser. He must have thrown something into it with such force that the glass shattered and the impact spot opened like a wound exposing the wall behind it. I scanned the room and found Jay tangled in his bed sheets and comforter.

Susie and I stood at the doorway and hesitated to come in. Mike ushered us forward but I couldn't move. I kept thinking about how I couldn't help him. I wasn't strong enough to sit with him and tell him it would all be okay in the end. Because I knew it wouldn't. I had no answers for him. I had no way to reassure him that she was taken for a justified reason.

I leaned against the door frame and slumped down to the floor and sobbed there in the door. Susie tried to console me but I couldn't stop. It must have been minutes until my tears stopped and Mike insisted I go home.