the chronicles of a confused black girl

let's talk about the police.

as children, we all had our fears. most kids would say that their biggest fear were clowns, spiders, sharks, or the dark.

mine were the cops.

i never knew why i was so scared of them. every time i saw the police, my heart would start to tighten up and i would feel like i was gonna pass out. whenever i heard loud police sirens outside my window during the night time, i would close my ears and shut my eyes tightly- in hopes that they weren't going to knock at my door.

there was one day where i was around 8 years old and my nearby church held an event that had adults with all different types of jobs sharing their profession. i was in a happy-go-lucky mood, meeting all different types of people. i felt a tug on my shirt and i look to the left of me.

i faintly heard my mom say, "my daughter has always been afraid of the police," she continued with "can you go talk to her?" my head felt like it was about to explode. there's no words to describe what i felt when i saw the officer come closer to me. whenever i saw a police car slow down as they passed me, i always thought that they were going to take me away and lock me up for eternity. 

i held back the burning sensation in my eyes and looked at the officer, who was know kneeling on the ground to level my short height. he said to me, "hey! there's nothing to worry about. we're here to protect you."

i knew that wasn't the truth.

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since the beginning of existence, the black race has had to fend for themselves. slavery, segregation, police brutality. the cycle never ends. most of us had to mature at such a young age because no matter how old you were- you're always a target.

when trayvon martin was murdered in 2012- everything in my life shifted. my eyes were opened. wide open. that day was when i knew something wasn't right. why did a black kid get shot to death just because he was buying skittles and arizona tea at a convenience store?

it was racism. blatant racism.

the color of our skin is a threat to people. the color of our skin is a gun to white people's eyes.

to the police's eyes.

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in 2020, it felt like every single day there was another black person murdered by the police. each time, there would be a new excuse made up by law enforcement to cover up their racist acts.

"they have mental problems"
"they were having a bad day!"
"we thought there was a gun in their hand"
"it was self-defense!"

but when the roles are reversed, society will never fail to diminish black people.

"they are thugs!"
"black people are the problem in america"
"gangsters!"
"lock them up! they are criminals"

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although there has been immense progress compared to the last few centuries, there is still major issues that my community faces. quite frankly, i can't stand letting black and brown people be murdered. we built this country from the ground up. WE deserve respect. WE deserve equality. WE deserve freedom.

i know everyone else in the black community is as tired as i am. this has been a long, long fight.

even though this country has continued to fail us, i have hope in our generation filled with strong, powerful black leaders. change WILL be made and we will not back down.

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Q&A: what change have you made in your community to combat against police brutality/anti-blackness OR what do you wish to do?

xo,
your local black girl