The Pursuit

Twenty-Five

⬻Maggie⤖

When I woke up I could feel the warm body wrapped around me. I felt the heavy arm across my chest and the heavy breathing next to my ear. A loaded snore released and rolled into my ear. I moved my hand to cover my ear but it was too late. I shifted and moved to back to face Damien. Ugh, great, I groaned inwardly and shook my head. I felt the urge to get up and knew sleep would not be coming back to me.

I moved Damien's limbs off of my body and sat up. I looked around the unfamiliar dark and its hidden shadows from the limited light coming from the windows. My bladder alerted me and I moved upwards and over Damien's body. He let loose another snore and then I heard an echoed snore come from another room. I stumbled around and made my way through the hall to find the bathroom.

When I was done freshened up and looked down to the dress I had worn the night before. Eh, could be worse, been worse in the past. I let my thoughts bring me back to a more positive memory, the concert and the way I had felt in Damien's arms, the way my blood moved warmly when his lips touched my skin. I could feel my body warm again and my cheeks blush. He really did give me a great day yesterday, in every way possible.

I moved towards the sliding glass door to the porch I could see in the sliver of light from the rise of dawn. I unlocked the door and pushed it open. The air around me was heavy and warm. I found my feet meeting the sand outside Haku's house.

It was early and silent. The birds were still sleeping and the earth was starting its turn into the day. I could hear the waves in the distance crash inwardly into the sand. My body moved closer to the water and the sun peeked up more.

As I walked to the edge of the water I could feel my body hum calmly. A vibration came from my toes and traveled through my body. Today's the day, I reminded myself. I felt calm though and fully aware of myself in that moment. The sky started to lighten more. The burst of yellow hit the water's reflection and I sat down in the sand. Just watching the light come into the darkness.

I looked around and saw the sand more clearly, the palm trees around me and the other houses to the right. She would have loved it here. I could feel the bitter feeling start to invade my awareness. I looked back to the sun and it's crest over the water. I pushed my sad thoughts back and for the time being began to do a meditation body scan. I had looked up some meditation programs and found one that was starting to work for me. I closed my eyes and concentrated on my breathing. I let my mind close out the outside world without thinking. I could feel the sun's strong light hit my skin.

By the end of my session I felt relaxed once again. The edge of clarity was there and I could feel my senses heighten. The salt air hit me hard and I looked out to the sun which was higher in the blue sky now. The waves seemed louder and the air a bit lighter. This is good, I thought loudly to myself. I exhaled loudly and mentally told myself to be strong today, for my mother. I needed to be strong enough to move forward, to gain control of myself completely.

I stood and moved closer to the water, wetting my feet entirely. I walked further in and discarded my dress. The water was warmer than I thought and I made my way in. I waded in and felt the warm encase me in its grip. I let my heart beat become the focus of my thoughts. I thought back to my mother and the ways she made me who I am. I thought about my father and his ability to center me and support me. I thought about Damien and his faith in me and the power he had given me in such a short period of time. I thought back to the memories of Ellie and the girl I used to be. I wanted to be me again. I wanted to be fearless. I wanted that control.

I dove into the water, and swam out deeper, and let the water totally submerge me. My body adjusted to the temperature and I pushed forward and through the top of the small waves. I looked around the water and back out to the houses in the distance and Haku's house. My determination was forming its foundation as I drifted with the push of the water. The serenity in the calm waters was the healing I needed. The self-awareness of who I used to be and who I had to be was becoming more cemented. I could be the person I wanted to be, I didn't have to submit to the depression or the sadness. I would move forward into the possibility that I could change my circumstance.