Screaming thoughts

Desolating silence

"Since when was winter so cold?
Since when have I not felt myself, the way my blood rushes in me, the way I act, the way I feel, they aren't me, I don't want to believe that, everything is new and yet so different.
My heart hurts, why?"
Everything is so confusing and I sit there thinking, curling up, shivering.

The silence made my thoughts run and the cold air let my air puff out in clouds, it was beautiful but painful. I knew I was me I knew myself, but everyday I felt like a different person, and it was scary, there was always someone to snap me out of my other self daze and I'd be back to myself, but this time, I was alone.
No shouts, no hugs, nothing.

I felt so lonely, I'd call out "anyone there" every so often, my heart sinking as I never got a reply.
Getting up from mid sobs I go to grab a blanket
My toes now red white from the cold shaft blowing on it, and the more my loneliness consumed me....I fell asleep crying tears, huddled in a blanket in the corner.

~ 5 hours passing~

I awake to the subtle ticking of the clock and to the warmth of my blanket, my tears now frozen over by the cold air drafts. I yawn a stretch, trying to keep the blanket over me, my head aching from the crying.

"If I wasn't alone I would've been so much more capable " I thought to myself, feeling sick without reason. I wander aimlessly around the house, before stopping at my fridge.
I was scavenging for food, but unfortunately nothing was there except a carton of milk, and I close the door slowly, gazing dully at the fruit basket on the counter..."what a nice gift" I mumble unmotivated.
Grabbing an orange I sit next to the window, the room empty except the ice from my tears and the blanket next to it.  All the boxes stacked and cluttered in the other room.

As I eat the orange I hear the washing of rain and a distant crackle of thunder, my heart slipping a beat at that moment and crouch down, alone as each small crackle tortures me, before a loud crackle sends me into shock, my breath heavy as I start to hyperventilate, tears stream down my face and I curl up once more "save me" I shout to the empty room "I'm sorry I'm so sorry, just save me" I plead, knowing nobody will "forgive me, don't leave me here" I cry harder as the thunder continues to get louder. The rain hitting the window like small bullets and my heart races as I start to feel tired once more.

Laying down , I huddle and I curl up. keeping my hands over my ears, still crying and yelling into the void helplessly.
Maybe I wasn't myself because when I woke up I felt like nothing happened, I felt I never cared and it hurt. It was like I was numb.
Waking up with dried tears with a heartwarming feeling as if I was given the time of my life, even if I was aware I cried last night.
For once I had the will to move, even if I felt I had an aching sad seed sitting in the middle of me, I Get up now stretching as if waking up from a "usual" slumber.
  I check the time, reading it as 6am.
"of course it's early" I say, continuing after with a sigh. I grab some clothes from a box and start laying my dresser full of clothes and I look at the older ones stuffed down into the bottom of the deep box, as short as I was I'd have to turn the box over but of course I had to try and reach in, falling in as the box collapses and I fall down with it, a loud thud and I lay there with the box covering me halfway and my legs stick out like a sore thumb, and for the first time I laugh. I grab the clothes and put them in my drawer with a smile, choosing a cute red dress and some black leggings, keeping them folded as I place them on the bathroom counter.
grabbing my towel and placing it on the toilet lid cover, and I strip down, going into the shower.

I clean myself, letting the partially warm water hit me softly in the face as it drenches me, my hair soaking It all in and I grab the soap I bought and start to clean my hair and scrub myself.