Mistakes (A Troyler Fanfic)

Chapter 19

"Standing in the eye of the storm, my eyes start to roam, to the curl of your lips, in the centre of eclipse." Touch / Troye Sivan.

Guess who made the cover? alleannerr of course! She's amazing and I'm pretty sure I've hired her as my personal-cover-maker xx

Tyler Oakley ~

"I can't believe this..." I mutter for what must be the hundredth time as I stare down at Zoe's motionless body. I hear a muffled choking sound from beside me and I turn to see Troye, trying desperately to hold back his sobs. Instead of saying anything, I simply wrap my arms around him and squeeze.

For a second, I try to trick my mind into thinking that nothing has changed between us, that we are totally okay and that we never left each other. But it doesn't work. Instead, there's still that voice in the back of my mind whispering about all of the things he's done to me, bringing back all of the emotions.

Anger.
Pain.
Heartbreak.
Betrayal.
Sadness.

They all come flooding back to me as I let go of Troye, stepping away slowly and standing beside Zoe's hospital bed. I ignore the voice in my head, now screaming about all of the horrible, messed up things about our relationship, and focus on Zoe.

Her face is relaxed, but not in a peaceful way. It's in a way that suggests she is too far lost and consumed by this thing that has happened to her to ever come back from it. Her whole body is lifeless, aside from the slow rise and fall of her chest. Her arms lay motionless by her sides, countless wires and tubes connecting her to the beeping machines beside her. There's the bandages on her arms and legs, the syringes and weird metal contraptions on the tray beside her bed, there's the slow and steady beeping of the heart rate monitor. All of it screams: death. Injury. Loss. Pain.
All of it makes me want to curl up into a ball, forget about all of this, forget abut Zoe, forget about Troye, forget about the brief happiness of last night, forget about it all. Just forget. I wish I could.

* * *

"Do you... want to talk about anything, Tyler?" asks Troye. It's been twenty minutes and we haven't moved. I'm still standing beside Zoe's bed, Troye's still standing in the middle of the room, crying. It's been a long, sad twenty minutes.

"No," I reply sharply, not looking away from Zoe.

I can tell, even without looking at him, that he is hurt. That my words cut a deeper wound then I ever intended.

I wonder if he's thinking the same thing as me. I wonder if he's thinking about how we always used to talk about things. Even when we were just friends at the very start, every crush, every sad moment, every happy moment, everything. It would all be shared between us. Often, it would be via Skype, and I would stay up into the early hours of the morning talking to Troye, who always seemed so oblivious to the time difference. But I hadn't cared. I hadn't cared about the bags under my eyes in the morning. I hadn't cared about how much internet it was using. I hadn't cared about how much I found myself relying on this buy to make me feel happy again. I had only cared about him.

He had been my best friend, the boy I could share everything with. And even on the very first night we talked, when he told me he was gay, I had felt this connection with him. This link between us, not because we were both gay, not because he was a cute Aussie twink, but because we both shared such deep, meaningful things with each other that we would never dare to tell another soul. It had been so perfect. We had been so perfect.

But now, now that I refuse to talk to him, it just brings back that wave of emotions, the wave that reminds me of our loss. Not just the loss of someone to wake up next to, but the loss of a best friend. The loss of a secret sharer. The loss of a person to lean on. The loss of someone important in your life.

And I'm not talking about the way we might lose Zoe. I'm talking about the kind of loss where you wake up in the morning, expecting to be staring into the eyes of that one person you love, and instead staring at your blank wall. And whereas with losses like Zoe, I would know instantly that that could never happen again. But with Troye, there's that little part of my heart that wishes so desperately that it could happen again. Because it could. He's not dead. He's alive and he's healthy and the only thing stopping us from finding each other again is ourselves. The fact that we won't let ourselves love each other again.

I felt it this morning, the way Troye had felt in my arms was different to the night before. He'd seemed... detached. He hadn't kissed me or made any signs of affection. I'd reached for his hand and he'd pretended to take it away to scratch his head. It may just be the late night or the confusing last few hours, but it feels like Troye's finally given up on this. Whatever it is. But it hurts.
It hurts because I thought there was still hope.
It hurts because everytime I look into his eyes, I wish he was still mine.
It hurts because deep down, I haven't given up on him. Or this. Or love.

I turn, shaking slightly, to face Troye.

"Troye?" I say softly, my voice barely a whisper. But obviously he hears me. His head snaps up and he stares me straight in the eyes. I try to read the emotions behind his eyes, but I can't. They are all hidden behind a thick layer of sadness. I know there must be more, more emotions hiding there, but the only thing I can see is sadness. I can see it in the way his eyes are wide, hoping he is not going to be upset once again, I can see it in the way his small smile doesn't come anywhere near reaching his eyes, I can see it in the way he is staring at me, his eyes already filling with tears, and lacking their usual brightness.

"Yeah?" replies Troye, his voice cracked and full of emotion.

It's then that I realise I don't know what I am going to say. I have no idea. I don't know what I wanted to tell him. I have no idea why I turned around and said Troye's name. Maybe I just wanted to hear the sound of it roll off my tongue. Maybe I just wanted to hear his voice again. Maybe I just wanted to have an excuse to stare into his eyes and get hopelessly lost in them all over again. Maybe I thought that if I stared into the eyes of the boy who broke my heart, I'd remember why I wanted to give up on him in the first place. I don't know what to say. But standing there, staring at him, I want nothing more that to run into his arms.

So, naturally, I do the opposite.

"I can't. I can't do this anymore," I say, my voice firm and emotionless.

And with that, I walk past Troye, my eyes glued to the ground and my breathing shallow. With that, I walk out of the hospital room , away from my injured friend, away from my ex-boyfriend and away from all of my problems.

The only thing I hope for is that I'm walking towards something better. Something that will help me forget this all. Something that will distract me from that feeling around my heart as I leave the only boy I ever really loved.

* * *

BADUM BADUM BADUMMMMMM CLIFFHANGER MUCH????? OH DAYUM THATS RIGHT YEP I DID IT I ENDED IT THERE IM SORRY... NOT!!!

But anyway, look at dis updating slayqueens!! I told ya I'd update every second dayyyyyyy :)

And IM SO CLOSE TO 4KAY BABIES IM SO EXCITED GUYS AND YOU KNOW WHAT? I HAVE NO FREAKIN IDEA HOW LONG THIS STORY WILL BE AND I HAVE NO IDEA WHAT WILL HAPPEN! Hahahhaha

But it will include:

Troyler
Phan
Zoe
Alfie
Hospitals
Troyler
Troyler

So don't die pls!!!

Oh and btw my instagram is @/Troyler.bby

*wink* byee