Mistakes (A Troyler Fanfic)

Chapter 36 - Flashback

"I reach out and touch." Touch / Troye Sivan.

Cover creds to mah new acc @/ew.reality on Instagram to chuck it a follow aye xx

Btw guys is anybody completely unprepared for Troyes new album like fuckkkkk boi I'm so proud x

Oh and hey Alleanna I love you :)

Troye Sivan ~

I groan in defeat and collapse against my unmade bed. Nothing is the same without Tyler. I run a shaking hand through my damp hair and close my eyes against the tears threatening to spill onto my cheek. It's only been a week since I last saw him, touched him, kissed him. But a week can do terrible things to a person in love. And the stupid amount of miles between us seems to grow everyday.

We've skyped and called each other almost every day, but somehow hearing his voice only makes his absence seem more real. I try to distract myself by writing songs, but the lyrics that form in my mind all somehow lead back to Tyler and his beautiful eyes and soft lips. And a song about a boy with multicoloured hair and glasses won't really help if we're trying to keep this whole relationship a secret.

But none of that stops me from writing down lyrics. Hundreds of words and letters struggling to form a song that conveys how fucking beautiful he really is. Innumerable pieces of paper form a thick carpet on my desk and floor, all of them covered in words scrawled in blank ink. My bin is overflowing with crumpled pages, and whenever I write, the sound of my frustrated yells fill my room.

But no matter how many times I try and string a line together, I find myself imagining Tyler kissing me and rubbing my shoulders, telling me to come to bed. He's intoxicating and lethal, a drug with the most terrifying of consequences. Yet, the addiction I have is not one that I ever plan on quitting. I need him, and I goddamm hope he needs me too.

I turn onto my stomach, tears dampening my pillow. I let them fall from my eyes, embracing the distraction of sadness. It's horribly cruel of Tyler to be mine one second, and then let me be torn away from him the next, although, of course, none of this is Tyler's fault. I could see it in his eyes as I kissed him for the last time. The misery, sorrow and desperate wanting he felt as well. Or maybe it was just my own emotions reflected in his gorgeous eyes, maybe it was the tears in my own eyes filling his.

Either way, his voice always holds a hint of sadness when we talk, and the bags under his eyes when we Skype prove that the distance between us keeps him awake as well. And I knew, for the whole two months I stayed with him, that it would all come to an end eventually. My family missed me, and it really was a struggle filming videos there. But that didn't make it any easier. It didn't make that last goodbye any less difficult, and the last kiss we shared any less heartbreaking.

The truly terrifying thing is, who knows when we'll see each other again?

It might be weeks, months, maybe even a year. And when you're in love with someone, that amount of time apart is just impossible to survive. Even after a week, I'm ready to just give up and move to America. Although that is completely unrealistic and impossible. I can't just leave. It's not going to happen, no matter how many nights I spend dreaming about it becoming reality.

I squeeze my eyes shut, hoping the darkness will swallow me and I'll never have to feel again. A life without somebody like Tyler to remind you why you draw each and every breath in, is a life I am struggling to live. All these feelings of loss and emptiness are just gathering up inside of me, and I can't seem to let go of them.

"I fucking need you!" I scream, my voice muffled by the tearstained pillow beneath my face.

"It hurts, Ty..." I whimper softly, tears dampening my face. It does hurt, a lot. There's a terrible ache ripping at my stomach, squeezing my heart and sending
shudders of pain through my body. I feel like I'm drowning. All I need is to reach the surface and draw in one more breath, and I'll be fine. All I need is to stop falling down, tumbling away from the only thing I've ever truly needed in my life. All I need to do is be with Tyler, and not just over the Internet. In person. I need to wake up next to him and kiss his forehead. I need to make him coffee every morning and spend hours messing around in the kitchen making pancakes. I need to kiss him while he's laughing, while he's crying, and kiss him while he's sleeping and while his working on a video. I need to hug him from behind and whisper sweet nothings in his ear.