live for me

up all night

-matthew-

i press my back against the metal railing of my hospital bed, tightly grabbing a large bucket close to my chest, sweating and out of breath as i lean over it whilst being shaken by my afflovest- the vigorous vibrations causing the thick mucus build up in my lungs to break and eventually be heavily coughed up, stinging my throat as it comes out.

mhm real sexy, right?

after about half an hour, i take it off and clean myself up a little, changing my shirt and washing my face.
i walk up to my med-cart and grab three yellow and green pills, throwing them into my mouth and swallowing them dry- jessica had given me a timetable of all my medications (labelled by colour and definitely not by name otherwise i'd be a complete mess) and what time to take them and i've tried really hard to keep up with them all. it's honestly exhausting but what more can i do than follow the rules this disease has burdened with me.

i decide that i'm done for the day, and quickly open my door, signalling to jessica or any other doctor i find that i'm going to sleep and there won't be a need to check on me for hopefully a couple hours whilst i chase the same sleep i've been chasing for years.

i lay there, staring at the pictures hung on the wall besides me. i've been in this same hospital room the majority of my 17 years of living but the wall has always looked the same. the same pictures. the same smiles staring back at me;

my mother's- who's probably at home, worrying sick over something as stupid as what i'll eat for lunch tomorrow.
in this picture she looks happy. she's not happy anymore and although she of course doesn't tell me, i know i'm the reason why.

my once best friend's- elijah had been my best friend when i was eight years old and in all honesty i've never had another friend after him.
the pictures of the tiny two of us, my arm over his shoulder, as we seem to be laughing at someone behind the camera. i told you these pictures were old.

and finally, in the background of my mother's photo,
my father's- pfft, god knows where he is.

anyways, it doesn't matter who's in my life because somewhere in the near future i will no longer be in theirs.
soon i'll be nothing but a memory. nothing but a photograph on their walls that they never replace.

i swallow hard and turn my body so that i'm no longer facing the wall, but the door instead.
the amount of times i've walked in and out that door is uncountable. the amount of times i've walked in and out of that door just barely escaping death that day is too many times to remember.

i feel my eyes get heavy, and let myself close them in hopes to drift off to sleep and praying i wake up the next morning. but i don't sleep. because one thing clouds my mind...

ashlyn

i squeeze my eyes tighter, trying to push away the thought but for some stupid, unknown reason she's all i can think about. i can't stop thinking of her sad face. her puffy, soft eyes. her small hands. her half hearted smile. i can't stop thinking of how bad i messed up, asking this girl a personal question so carelessly.

and now i'll never see her again.

so what do i care so much?

get a grip matthew-jeez, you don't even know anything about her.

...well not yet anyways.