A head's conviction (EN)

Disconnected (3/3)

 Finally home Verena headed straight to her room. She threw her bag in the corner of her bedroom and turned the volume of her radio on loud. She had put a CD in it that played on repeat. The CD, she made last summer and was filled with all her favourite sad songs. For a while she stood in the middle of her room swaying from side to side until her tears bursted from their hideouts and rolled down her cheeks in thick streams. Verena knelt down slowly wrapping her arms around her knees while mouthing the lyrics of the song. She felt horrible, disgusting, dirty, trashy, a monster that no one should look at. Something that was broken and could never be fixed. She had felt like this her entire life, as if something was missing, something important that belonged to her but wasn't there. Verena thought often that it were her two best friends that had died seven years ago, but that wasn't logical because she had felt this way even before that.

Verena let herself fall backwards and looked up at the white ceiling. When it started to bore her she closed her eyes and exhaled until she could feel her stomach cave in under her ribs. With her fingertips she trailed over them, counting the bones that formed her ribcage.

She could remember it so well. Connor and Takeo had been the two best friends that a girl her age could have asked for. They were a couple, a power couple. If they had wanted it they could have ruled the world, with no doubt they could have if...

She shook her head and moved her hands from her ribs up to cover her eyes.

Connor's sweet smile and caring words had always caused everything to be worthwhile. But why had she asked so much of him? He had gone through enough himself. His parents had kicked him out of the house while he was 16 when they had found out he was a homosexual and since then didn't even want to talk to him. He wasn't even allowed to see his younger brother, but that hadn't stopped them from meeting in secret. And there were more problems, Verena was sure of it. But nonetheless she had always asked him to care for her. She had looked at him for safety, hugs and words of wisdom. Words with which he told her to keep going on. That was until he had fallen ill...

They couldn't seem to figure out what was wrong until it was too late. Until there was nothing left to cure him. Just like that he had been taken from their lives.

Verena shook her head harder, she felt a lump in her throat that made it feel like she couldn't swallow. Since Connor had gotten sick there had been no hope in her opinion. She had felt more hopeless and now wanted to even give up more on life then before he had passed. But she couldn't, she had to be strong for Takeo.

Takeo was the boyfriend of Connor, they lived together in a cute apartment. Takeo made Connor happy and Connor did that for Takeo. She had seen it on their faces, the smile they had when they were together...

Just like Connor, Takeo had always been there for her. He called her his little sister and sometimes did Verena's makeup and hair. He loved it to wrap his arms around her head like some sort of hug. And always made weird comments that caused everyone to burst into laughter. That was until Connor had gotten sick...

When Connor had gotten sick everything changed. Takeo called Verena in panic to ask her if she could tell him that everything would be alright. And Verena, she lied. She told him that everything would be alright, that Connor would be okay. This was because she wanted to believe it herself. This was something for which she had prayed, even if her belief in god hadn't been that strong anymore at the time. This was something she had wished for when looking at a falling star, even though she didn't believe in that. Verena had wanted to do everything to make it come true, if only she could have spent some more time with Connor.

But then the day had come that she had lost all contact with Takeo. She couldn't reach him. She didn't know what was wrong and didn't realise that something was terribly wrong. That took her until another friend asked her why she hadn't been at the funeral. Funeral? What funeral? Connor had been cremated and nobody had even told her he had passed away.

They all thought that she had known and needed time to deal with it on her own. They thought Takeo had told her...

But she couldn't reach Takeo. It didn't take much longer after that until she found out that she would never be able to reach him again. He had commited suicide, he had strung himself up on a tree, probably in the hope that no one would find him.

Verena pushed her nails into the skin of her forehead. It hurted so much, the stinging pain of not being able to help her friends. She couldn't have done anything to save them even if she had wanted to. But who would save her now?

She sat up and let her hands drop from her face to hit the floor beside her. Everything started to get black and she didn't feel well. In her head it was a chaos with the memories of the boys.

And then, as if coming out of nowhere, she heard her voices like a reassurance that she would never be alone as long as she had them. 

'It's okay, let it all out sweetheart.' Damien whispered softly. 'It doesn't matter if you cry.'

'It does, you are ugly when you cry.' shouted Lacey over his whispers.

'Just shut up Lacey.' Damien fired back at her, anger sounding through his voice as he spoke.

'You are such a jerk, Damien.' Lacey started to laugh loudly. 'Do you really think that pity will help her?' She started to laugh even harder. 'Only the cold hard truth will help, she has to learn how to be strong.'

'Shut up Lacey.' Damien growled again.

It didn't matter to them, they didn't care that their squabbling was only making it worse for her. Verena sniffed harder and continued to hit her fists against the ground, again and again hoping to hurt herself enough to shift the pain she felt inside to her hands.

'Verena.' Evelyn said her name softly in her childish voice. She had been quiet the entire day, why did she have to meddle right at this moment? 'Verena,' she repeated softly 'don't be sad, they are in a better place now Verena.'

Verena's eyes widened when she heard the words of the little girl, she shook her head. 'But what about me, I want to be there too,' she replied 'I am so alone.'

'It's okay, we can be with our friends.' Evelyn replied 'Let's go to our friends.'

Verena's head felt heavier with every second that passed and she had the feeling like she could pass out any moment now. Everything started to spin and she could only hear Evelyn repeat the words 'let's go to our friends.' Again and again until everything turned pitblack.