Vent book

What's the point on believing?

Warnings:
Mentions of use of Drugs
Brief mention on emotional abuse
Giving up on things I enjoy

So the wonders of the world. We all used to have something to believe in whether it be the Tooth fairy or Santa clause or that one day you'll actually be worth something. But as we grow older reality hits harder. And some people have to learn that 'Reality' a lot quicker then others. Whenever I was a child. 5 and younger, I was told things something a child... Most likely shouldn't be told. I had to learn about things like drugs and {The birds and the bees if you will} and how most of my family where narcissistic assholes. I had to learn that the world isn't sunshine and rainbows. If I'm being honest I've already known that ever since I've learned how to speak. Everyone has a bad seed in their family it's common. But the three people that where supposed to love me most decided they had better things to do. My father decided smoking and taking drugs was perfectly fine. My mother just left me for like 3 guys. And my Guardian is a narcissistic emotional abuser. Or so I've been told anyway I'm still debating over if I'm just a bratty kid that can't handle anything.  Either way, I had to take care of myself. Whenever I spilt a drop of milk it's "You always make such a mess" Whenever I vent for even a second it means I want to live with my mom or dad {Whom where very financially and emotionally unstable hence them both doing drugs} and I, at the time obviously didn't want to but whatever complaint I made it was "I was being disrespectful" or "People have it so much worse" People do have it worse but should other people we don't even know subside my problems. I've also learned that I can't cry at a young age. I was told {Because I would sometimes visit my mom who lived like 2 hours from me at the time} that I would never get to see my mom again if I kept crying. And as of lately I've concluded that my guardian is more sympathetic when I'm not crying then they are when I am crying. I'm not happy about it because now that I have the internet I can talk to my sibling about it and I know that it's not okay. My mother is in a much better place now ever since she moved to Texas.  {Only downside is she lives 14 hours away from me now so aha  p a i n}
So I have a good relationship with her. As for my father.. He still chooses drugs. I can't say this for 100% certainty but I'm pretty positive he's still doing drugs with his girlfriend of which I told him he would leave me for her just my mom did with a guy we'll call S. I was definitely right so :) fun times. I remember crying over the phone to him because at the time I was in Georgia with My Nana {Who's also done some questioning things but I've forgave her} and explicitly telling him he was going to go leave me for her just as my mom did with S. Whenever I found out he did I stopped caring. Stopped believing in other people. They where going to find someone just as my mother and father and leave me. Happens to the best of us I guess. 
What's the point of believing when it's already happened countless times. There's so many things to talk about so I just keep switching up subjects. But I'm going to backtrack and basically restate but in a more expanded way of what I said earlier. Everyone's left me. My mom, sister, sibling, dad, my guardians just overall shit, all but one of my friends which that friend happens to be toxic. And. So. Many. More.
So what's the point?
You win some you lose some.
But in this case I win some I loose all.
I don't care that life isn't fair. It doesn't have a justification for this.
After awhile of thinking about it I've completely lost all my hobbies. I barely even draw anymore. I do sometimes but it's not fun anymore. I used to love doing work. I used to love school. I used to love doing things. I used to love hanging out and talk with friends. But I now maybe once or twice a month talk to my non-toxic friends. And I can't talk about it to anyone else because why should they listen? My brothers to busy with friends.. Friends where nice weren't they? I wasn't so lonely, I didn't  have as many body issues, I was happy,  I had someone to distract me. But...
Friends will also leave me right? What's the point in rebuilding all of that when it's just going to break again. Over. And over. And over again.
It's unfair really. 
Might as well give up now before I start caring and then lose all my friends and family again.
You know what they say you can't have fake friends if you didn't have friends to begin with.
I don't care if I'm wrong or right.
I just want to stop caring.
You can't feel happiness without sadness so might as well give up both.
Maybe
Maybe not
Either way it's late I need to sleep it's 12:19 and I have to go to school since tomorrow's the last day and I can't miss the last day.
This was a whole jamble of vents