Vent book

Spiraling

Warning:

Suicide
Narcissism
Self harm

No one listens. They never do. I didnt want you to vent. But I told you to. Kinda. I said something along the lines of "Ill vent once I have the energy for you to vent" basically trying to say I cannot deal with venting right now in the nicest-covered-up-way as possible. But you didnt notice- Im upset. But I shouldn't be. I still helped even though I really really didnt want to. In a way I did tell you. So shouldnt I be upset? I dont know. I wont tell you obviously. To stupid to for whatever reason. I should stick up for myself more. Everyone says to. But I grew up and still am growing up with someone who everyone tells me its better not to stick up against. So yknow its contradicting. Im not sure why but I want to add stronger words. I dont know what words just... Stronger ones. Maybe because I got reminded my feelings dont matter when it comes to- Ill call them J. So maybe im trying to prove them wrong. To show them what ive wanted to show them for so long. To do what ive wanted for so. Long. To show the anger, sadness, dissapointment ive wanted to show them for so L o n g. I want to yell at them like they've done to me for so long. But I cant. Because itll only get harder. I want to yell at them and call them a narcissistic bitch. Feels nice saying- or rather typing that. I was told to write down everything I wanted to say to them so.. Here we are ill do that now.

I hate you. I hate you so so much. You never knew this but Ive cut myself before. Yesterday actually. You never cared to notice. You never even noticed ive tried committing suicide. Didnt work obviously. But I tried. Actually the other night I almost tried again. I opened the pills and stared at it. Stared at it for a long long while. Opened it. Even poured some pills onto the lid. But thats it. Just stared at it. Longingly really.  But then I didnt. Why? Im not sure. But just thought you should know. Youre the reason behind every sad thought. Instead of taking pressure away you added it. "Other people have it worse" "Lifes unfair" SO?! IVE TRIED SO SO HARD TO LIKE YOU! IVE TRIED TO THINK OF THE POSITIVES OF LIVING WITH YOU! IVE TRIED TO WANT YOU TO ADOPT US. TO ADOPT ME! EVERYONES TALKING ABOUT THEIR PROBLEMS AND NO ONE IS THINKING ABOUT MINE.
And maybe I dont deserve it! Maybe im being selfish! But maybe I deserve to be selfish! Maybe I deserve to be the "Center of attention!" Maybe I should be "In the spotlight!"
Im so tired of being on the sidelines! Im so tired of being the "Therapist friend"
And I tried to tell them I did! But no one ever listens!
Ive bottled my emotions so much and now im just angry for no reason
This didnt even turn end up into what I wanted to say to J
It was just- ugh
Whatever Ill never say that to them personally because im a coward

And Star if youre reading this dont tell anyone. I dont need stress and if you do ill just ignore it
Im tired
And I dont need adults brought into this

Also with the whole Ghostbur thing. Its beyond stupid. I shouldnt care about a dumb made up character in a block game. But I do. Probably because I want him. Not in a creepy way but I want ghostbur to be J. To be everyone. Because Ghostbur cares.
Blue. I want some blue. Some stupid made up cure.. Blue.
And maybe if Ghostbur was real Id be happier. He helped me and he dosent even exist.
Thats probably another reason im upset.
He isnt real. The only thing that truly helped, even more then a professional therapist.. Isnt real.
No ones is like Ghostbur. No one can pretend, even for a second, the world isnt all bad. No one can help someone forget about everyone leaving them if only for a moment... Like a fictonal character in a block game.
Maybe thats the reason I hate venting
Its all just a reminder that nothing in the world is okay. Nothing. Not me. Not even my closest friends.
A block game about wars
About death
About countries just dying
About manipulation
Ends up better then the real world. Because they had Ghostbur. They had Tubbo. They had Ranboo. They had a prison to get rid of the bad reminders. They had a distraction.
They had something.
But me?
What do I have?
A broken friend?
A broken family?
A broken life?
Yeah.
I want someone whos happy
Who forgets all the terrors in the world.
Because its not a constant reminder.
Just happiness.