The Slytherin Transfer

42: "I hate narcs, don't you?"

"So what are you gonna do if you see him?" Dorcas asks me as we leave McGonagall's office. She bought Floo Powder so we didn't have to take the train back to Hogwarts, and we've just returned, both of us lugging our trunks down a set of stairs and following a crowd of Gryffindors back to the common room.

I shrug indifferently, not really wanting to talk about it.

"I have no idea," I mumble, and she gives me a sympathetic look as I run my hands through my hair in frustration. My wrist has healed, although the bone is still strangely pointy. My entire right arm just looks slightly mangled, littered with scars and defects.

The rest of Easter break was filled with drinking and sleeping. It seems Dorcas does it on her own anyway, but I could tell she liked having someone over, even if she wouldn't admit it. I, on the other hand, just needed a distraction. Now that that's over, however, it seems that it's only delayed the inevitable. The inevitable being me facing Sirius.

I expect an angry, blithering mess. I expect him to still be holding some unknown grudge. I expect him to yell at me for not understanding.

But when I enter the common room, where the Marauders all sit by the fire, I don't expect to see Sirius pacing on the hearth rug.

". . . ruined things with her," he's saying.

"Yeah, you did," Remus answers promptly.

"Mate, it'll be fine," James waves it off, "You've always got Marlene."

"Shut up, would you?" Sirius snaps, and Peter notices me.

"Uh—Padfoot?"

They all look up, and I stop. Dorcas takes one look at the scene and grabs my arm, dragging me to the staircase. I follow her swiftly, making a beeline across the room.

"Cass!" Sirius calls, leaping over the couch, "Just—wait a minute."

I make it to the bottom of the stairs, and he speaks again.

"Please don't walk away."

I laugh loudly and cruelly, whipping around with a sudden dangerous look in my eyes. I step away from the railing, take three strides towards Sirius, and watch as he steps back.

"Don't walk away?" I laugh again, "You're seriously asking me not to walk away?"

He's quiet. Only a couple people remain in the common room, most of them having gone straight to the dorms to unpack. Soon it's just us six, and then five as Dorcas bolts up the stairs.

James, Remus, and Peter look at each other before all abruptly standing up and sprinting past us, disappearing to their own dorms. I look at Sirius expectantly, and he shakes his head.

"Cass, you have no idea how sorry I am," he starts, shaking his head and stuttering hopelessly, "I'm—I shouldn't have left you. I was an idiot, a complete asshole, and—and you deserved better. You deserve better, Cass. I just—I'm so sorry."

I thought I'd want to yell. I thought I'd want to be angry and explode at him, but I'm just so tired. It seems that no matter how little I've prepared, no matter how long I've procrastinated against this confrontation, now that the time has come, I know exactly what to say to him.

"You have shit to figure out, Sirius." I shake my head, speaking quietly, "You have shit to figure out and you need to do it on your own. You think I don't understand what you go through, but I do. Funnily enough, I know exactly what it's like, and you still push me away. You don't let me in, Sirius. I can't do this if you won't meet me halfway. I can't do two thirds anymore. I need half. If you aren't ready, then I can't help you. If you won't let me be here for you, then I won't."