The Slytherin Transfer

26: "I've still got plenty of Slytherin left in me."

I sit outside of the hospital wing with Sirius for about an hour, our backs pressed against the wall by the door and my knees pulled up to my chest. I rest my chin atop them and just stare at the floor, a million emotions coursing through me as we both stay in a shocked silence.

It's the seventeenth time I've imagined punching my dad in the face, and the twentieth time I've pictured digging a grave for Penny, when the hospital wing doors swing open. I get to my feet within a blink, looking to see Dumbledore nod at me.

"You may see her now. Please refrain from contact; her condition is critical," he says seriously, and I nod, pushing past him and rushing inside before he can say another word.

Madam Pomfrey is bustling by a bed in the corner, and I head over, seeing Penny's mangled body curled up under the covers, fast asleep. I pull a chair up to her bedside, examining her carefully.

"She will be all right," Madam Pomfrey says softly to me, gathering up empty potion bottles and rubbing my shoulder in comfort. She turns to leave before glancing back at me, "Do make this your last time in here, would you? It's getting old."

I smile at her slightly before she winks and leaves me be. I feel Sirius come up behind me, pulling up a second chair as I stare at Penny, my chin resting on my hands as I frown in conflict.

"Dumbledore's left to go back to the dinner," Sirius says softly, "Although I'm not sure it'll even be going still."

I don't respond, not even glancing his way as I just watch my House Elf's small breaths, her eyes fluttering.

"Some Christmas, huh?" He then says, but I still can't bring myself to answer. He sighs, and silence engulfs us once more. He understands. I don't know how, but he does. He'll sit with me all night if he has to, I know that. I don't know why, but he will.

"We're friends, right?" I say after ten minutes of quiet. I can feel him turn his gaze to me in confusion as I still don't glance his way.

"Yeah, of course. Why?"

I turn to him then, heavy bags under my eyes as I realize what I'm about to say.

"We can't be more," I mutter surely, staring into his eyes, "I'm not exactly sure if you want to, and I'm not exactly sure if I want to, but we can't."

He holds my gaze for what feels like an eternity before blinking and shrugging easily, "All right."

Of course it would mean nothing to him. Of course he could nonchalantly discard my bold comment and move on from something I've been hooked on for months. Something I've beaten myself up over. Of course he can just shrug and say 'all right' like it doesn't matter either way. Because for him, it doesn't. He's Sirius Black. Notorious player since third year. I've seen more girls cry over him than I can count on my fingers and toes, and I made a vow that I wouldn't add to his collection. I broke that vow when I lost him as a friend, but I will never do it when he breaks my heart, because I won't let him. It's much better this way, and if it means ignoring my infatuation, then so be it. Sirius Black is better as a friend, and I know that as a fact.

I knew all of this already, but it was Penny that really made me put my foot down. Because if this is what happens to the people I love, then I've got to keep that list to a limit.

I nod and look away, back to Penny as she shifts in her sleep but ultimately snoozes on. If I really want to go through with this promise to myself, then I have to stop with the playing. No more napping with him, no more admiring him when he isn't looking, and no more thinking about him when he isn't around. Platonic. That's what we are. That's what we have to be.

***

"So you left?"

"Yep."