Rising Stars [H.S]

52.

Harry Styles

"You're are— damnit... you're so..." I quietly hum to myself as I try and remember the melody I came up with last night.

The boys were downstairs playing video games in the living room, while I was upstairs alone trying to figure out this damn song. It's probably eleven at night, and the song popped into my head after I left Olivia at the studio.

Fuck, I miss her so much.

I miss everything about her. Her laugh, her skin, her lips, even her nonstop annoying questions. The amount of times I've wanted to just tell her the truth is unbearable. I want her to know that none of these things are true, and that I want more than anything for things to go back to what they were like before all of this shit.

But I know I can't. I can't risk her career like that— and fuck, I can't risk my own. If Olivia and I were spotted together it's over for both of us. I'm sure the media would go crazy over it, but ours managements wouldn't be happy at all. As much as I hate it, I have to keep the persona that I've had for the last five years. I used to not care about it, in fact I used to actually like it. But now things are different.

I want to be with Olivia, I really do. Hearing her sing that song she wrote today triggered something in me, and it really fucked my head up. I didn't realize how broken she was about this. She really thinks I don't give a shit about her, and it was driving me crazy. It's killing me to even think about the fact that she thinks I have been with another girl. I know she's probably been asking herself nonstop questions, and I'm surprised she hasn't been asking me them non-stop. She usually does that— she's always asking questions. When I first met her it annoyed the absolute shit out of me, but now I would do anything for us to be able to go back to that.

Don't get me wrong though, I actually was really pissed off the other day though. When I came up to her porch, I wasn't expecting to see all the boys there. It's not easy being the jealous kind, so I guess I lost my temper a little. At the time I meant what I said, but as soon as I drove off I fucking regretted every bit of it. I shouldn't have yelled at her and I shouldn't have shoved that box at her, but I did.

I was just angry with everything, and I let it get the best of me.

I know I'm going to have to distance my self from Olivia though. Every time I look at her all I want to do is tell her the truth. Yesterday in the alley I was holding everything back from me to not just grab her and kiss her. She was so worried about me, and she was so nervous. She started picking at her nails and I wanted nothing more than to just take her on a car ride somewhere and distract her of everything.

That's what I usually do when she gets anxious. I'll tell her stories or listen to music with her to distract her from her anxiety, and it usually works. I felt so helpless not being able to comfort her. I even almost slipped up yesterday, I almost told her everything. It's hard not to, sometimes I'll just get angry and almost blurt out the truth, but then I have to stop myself. 

So now here I was at eleven o'clock on a Monday night, trying to remember this melody I came up with. It came to me about an hour ago when I was downstairs just sitting on the couch with the boys, not really listening or paying attention to them.

My mind was wandering off to other things, like Olivia. I know, I know— but I can't help it. I started to think about how I'd much rather be sitting with her then with all the boys, and then I started remembering one of the first times we drove down here in this little town. It was sunset and her hair was all over the place from the convertible. I specifically remember glancing over at her and admiring her eyes. The sun was shining at the perfect angle to where her already beautiful brown eyes looked golden.