The Ink Spilling From My Pen ✔

New Heartaches

You know the moment when your
heart just won't just stop aching?
Right now is that moment;
I'm stuck with heartache.

Feels funny to hurt after so long,
but I wish it wasn't because of my own rules.
I've spent so long resisting and giving in,
that I've forgotten how it's even like to not doubt myself.

I feel insecure and at the verge of breaking,
I'm scared but my face refuses to let it show.
I'm trying hard to act strong, hoping that pretending
could lead me somewhere where my doubts won't follow.

Perhaps that would help me just forget about
painting emotions for everyone to see,
I have been a secret-keeper before.
But my hearts asks if I can do it all over again,
And I can't find an answer.

I'm just waiting for a moment when I'll just snap
and do something, though I don't even know what.
All I know is that the ache felt too much one moment
and now I'm holding onto simply nothing.
And maybe I need to do something because I'm not okay.

I'm trying to believe in what I've spent
such a long time creating,
Wishing my efforts were enough to keep it safe.
Trying to convince myself that it'll be okay.

I'm just scared of going through darkness again.
The only thing that keeps me sane is the fact that
this time I'm not alone, I'm held.

Maybe that can make a difference, a change.
But it's somehow hard to break down in front
of somebody when I'm used to crying alone.
It's hard to see someone watching me struggle and
be offered arms because my legs feel too weak to support me.

I thought hurting alone was the most horrible thing that could ever happen to me.
Yet, hurting with someone else isn't any easier,
struggling and breaking isn't a bit less horrible, but I'm too tired to hide away the pain.

For once again, I don't know what to do with myself.