Everything You Gave [Meddison/MerAdd]

Everything Comes to a T

Addison

Friday September 10th, 1994, 19:27 pm eastern time

I'm standing in the dressing room of Guess in Hartford, staring at myself in the mirror. I'm currently clad in a short-sleeved red dress that cinches a bit at the waist and then flairs out at the bottom.

'So not my style,' I think sadly. 'But I have to do what my mother wants.'

I'd so much rather be wearing jeans and a big sweatshirt, but I can never let my mother know that. She's always made me dress with class and an air of prestige. I wasn't going to bail on her now, 17 years into the endeavor.

"Addison," calls my mother.

"Show me the red dress," she demands.

I hastily throw on a white button-down cardigan in an effort to conceal my scars and open the door to the dressing room.

"Here," I say to my mother.

"Turn around," she demands with no discernible human emotion in her voice.

"Hmmm... It makes your behind look a bit fat..." she says.

'Seriously?!' I think.

I push down the hatred and sadness that this comment fuels and abstain from responding to my mother.

"Turn back around, Addison," she says.

I comply, and she rakes my body with her eyes.

"Addison, you need to start eating healthier," my mother admonishes.

"Umm...okay?" I respond, confused.

"Your stomach is poking out a bit too much for my liking," she tuts.

I feel a white hot rage begin to bubble inside me.

"Mother, you know that I just have a big frame," I say to her angrily.

"I'm a tall person. It's normal," I continue, in a desperate attempt to defend myself.

"It most certainly is not normal!" she responds.

"I did not raise my daughter to be fat. You know better than that!" she hisses.

I cower at her comments, as they eke away at my already rock-bottom self confidence and body-image.

I mean, there is a reason I've been cutting since I was 12.

'It's fine,' I tell myself.

'Just try to calm down.'

I start to shake as a wave of strong emotion washes over me. Not here. Not now.

"This can't happen here," I accidentally say aloud.

"No. No. Nononono. No." I repeat as I wring my hands and begin to pace back and forth around the dressing room area.

Everything is getting staticky.

Buzzing.

All I hear is buzzing and static.

Make it stop.

My vision starts to blur and I suddenly can't breathe. Panicking, I flee the dressing room area and run out of the store as my mother calls after me.

I hear the store alarms go off as I sprint to find the nearest bathroom in the mall. I don't even give a fuck that the alarms are going off. Who cares. Nothing matters.

Nothing matters. I don't matter.

I reach the bathroom and I lock myself in the nearest stall. I begin to pace in a circle while struggling to breathe. I'm hyperventilating. I need something to make this stop. Anything.