Everything You Gave [Meddison/MerAdd]

Doing Bizzy's Bidding

Addison

Saturday September 10th 1994, 07:34 am eastern time

I'm laying in my bed, in an almost zombie-like trance. The blankets on top of me feel as heavy as weights and seem to press my limp body down into the bed, creating the illusion that it is slowly disappearing.

As I stare up at my cream-colored popcorn ceiling, I feel nothing but numbness. The emotional turmoil of yesterday's events have left me a void. It's almost as if there is nothing left of me---I'm almost completely emotionally spent.

It's as if I've disappeared into thin air in the blink of an eye.

I don't even want to fathom how much my mother resents me now. What with my (very) public breakdown yesterday, I've effectively tarnished the Forbes-Montgomery name forever, all in one fell swoop.

Last night, after I forced myself to spew my guts out in the mall bathroom, in lieu of having something with which to cut myself, I laid on the germ-filled (albeit cool and soothing) floor in that godforsaken stall and just waited. I don't have any clue as to how long it was until my mother somberly stalked into that bathroom and pulled me up out of my own filth by my left bicep, with no discernible emotion on her face. I let her drag me out of the bathroom and into our idling car. She must have paid for the (accidentally) shoplifted clothes that were still on my body, because we just walked out of the mall, no further questions asked.

It was so utterly strange to see my mother cold and emotionless after what had happened. It's not as though she's this explosive drama-queen all the time, but more the fact that she couldn't even bother herself enough to comfort her clearly distressed daughter. I knew in my heart of hearts that last night's shopping trip would change our relationship forever.

Bizzy now totally and completely resents me. I'm sure of it.

'At least more than she already did,' my brain mutters.

I hear almost silent footsteps patter up the staircase that borders the north wall of my room. With a groan, I roll over in the tangled mess of covers my bed has become after my torturously sleepless night, in order to face the door of my room.

"Addison?" I hear a meek voice say through my thick oak door.

"Yeah?" I respond in an extremely hoarse voice.

"May I come in?" the other voice responds.

I recognize it as the voice of my father, The Captain.

Great.

"If you must," I reply begrudgingly.

He carefully inches my squeaky door open, so as not to wake Bizzy and Archer, and plops down on the edge of my bed.

I prop myself up on one elbow and face him the best I can in this slightly strange position.

"Addie..." my father musters up the courage to ask me.

"Your mother told me what happened at the mall yesterday," he continues.

"Of course she told you!" I say, starting to become furious.

"What? Did she tell you that I'm a fat lunatic with no respect for our family? Or that I'm mentally deranged?" I practically scream at him.

"Did she tell you that she hates me? That she wishes she never had me? What? What did she tell you?" I continue, starting to become hysterical.

"Addie," The Captain repeats.

"Is that the only word you're capable of speaking?" I say to him hostilely.

"You know what? No!" I say.

"I'm not going to let you come in here and berate me for her because she's too much of a coward and a stuck up bitch to do it herself!" I scream.

I throw my covers off with so much force that some of my blankets whack my father in the torso and storm into the bathroom attached to my room. I slam the heavy door and promptly lock it.

I slide down, my back pressed to the door, as silent tears roll down my face.

I can feel the aching emptiness in my back and the fundamental need my body has for someone who truly understands me and loves me unconditionally. My body aches for a human connection so unlike the one I have with my parents. I think I might just die soon if this need isn't fulfilled. I can hardly stand it anymore.

I breathe in heavily, which only exacerbates the unbearable feeling of all-consuming depression and utter hopelessness in my back and think to myself, "Where the hell am I supposed to go from here?!"