THE RANDOM BOOK OF RANDOMNESS!!!!!!!!!!!!!

#158

This is really long but I please read The entire thing, or atleast little bit of it....thank you!!!!

So I have some friends I hang out with a lot cuz you know that's what friends do most of the time and I do (despite what I may say to they) really enjoy hanging out with them

I talk to them a lot and stuff but you know how in friend groups their is always those 1-2 friends that no one likes as much as the rest?

Well I'm pretty positive that that's me...

I really want to be apart of that group and they are all really funny and again I really enjoy being with them

My problem is that I enjoy talking....a lot
I love smiling, telling stories, and making people happy.

I can honestly say that if someone is unhappy, whether we are friends or not, it makes me hurt inside to know that they are unhappy

Today for example one of the people who I consider to be more liked them me in my friend group was really sad.

Only me and and another girl noticed that she was upset.

I would tell you why she was sad but sadly it is a secret and I swore I wouldn't tell a soul......teehee!!

anyways, she was really sad and honestly she has no reason not to be because I would too If were her.

I could tell she was sad As soon as she was but I know her and I decided not to say anything until I knew it was the right time

When she finally told me why, I felt bad for her (and still do)

It honestly hurt me inside to see her even the slightly upset and I couldn't help but feeling guilty even though I had nothing to do with why she was upset, because the reason she is/was upset isn't her fault, it is 2 idiots that's I wish understood, bust they don't so I can't do anything about it.

Anyways, back on track to my original problem I really want to talk more to these awesome people, but honestly, I'm shy and scared

I am scared that I will be judged and that I will be annoying, obnoxious, shunned, and that they won't like me if I do open up a little more

I don't have any secrets (that are mine to tell) but at the same time they don't know anything about me

I love to listen to people talk about themselves and I do my personal best at making sure I learn as much as possible about a person without if sound creepy that I am asking these Qs

On the contrary, I feel like no one cares about any of this extra info and i don't think they care about ME

I want to share everything about me to these people but I don't think they would care

I have these 2 friends that I don't get to talk to face to face with besides at lunch but here is another problem

I sit with the group of friends I have been talking about at lunch and I feel like they will like me even less if I don't sit with them

All I do at lunch in eat my food (obviously) and listen

I listen to all of the different conversations going around amongst these really fun people and all of there hilarious jokes. I will occasionally say some jokes that I think of but I usely keep these jokes and comments to myself and laugh in my head at myself

Other than that I will laugh when the others laugh, whether I know what's going on on or not, and make eye contact with people and share a quick little mind conversation that lasts about half a second before I break the connection and look away because I am so shy and scared of being judged.

These people don't know any of this and to them, if I told them that I'm shy and scared they most likely wouldn't believe me because I have tried to start explaining but they laugh as if the entire thing is a joke, turn away, talk to someone better than me who they believe is more worthy of their time, and not knowingly make me feel even worse

Please don't get me wrong, I am extremely grateful for my health, home, food, education, and I am greatful for these people and many more that would take really long to write.

I love me life and everything in it.

I just wish they understood me and cared enough to know about me and who I am as an individual.

My greatest fear, above all else is isolation and I am extremely fearful that one day these people will decide that they are done with me and that they will just get rid of me without giving it a second thought (great now I'm crying)

They are such funny, happy people and I am afraid that one of these days they will realize that I'm not special, or that I am too weird and that they won't like me.

I love all of my friends sooo much (not just these people I have been talking about) and I really don't know what I would do without them. I don't think anyone in my class would consider me their best friend or a really close friend because i don't think there is anyone I can think of that is similar to me and I feel like such an out cast compared to everyone else

I just wish I could express myself to them without it sounding sarcastic or without me crying in the process

I love you to all of my readers and I am ssooo blessed to have you guys so thank you!!!!