Living with autism can be so frustrating sometimes especially when you care about somebody it's like you want to make sure you're doing the right thing and you wanna make sure you're saying the right thing you want to make sure that your timing and your tone and everything else is correct because you care about that person or people and you want to make sure you're doing the right thing and with autism you're like is that really the right thing am I making the right decision is a decision right I don't know is that what's best for the person is that what I'm supposed to do is is that the correct answer what will help them the most and your thoughts are going to 1 million different places and it's so frustrating And to talk to them about it can be even more frustrating/scary because you don't wanna talk about your autism because it feels like you're making it all about you and then you don't wanna make it all about you because you wanna make it about them because they're important and you care about them so it's frustrating you're like do I say what I wanna say and and risk upsetting them (maybe it won't upset then maybe I'm just overthinking it) because I'm not saying it the right way or do I tell them how I'm feeling and how frustrating I feel about saying things but that makes it about me and not about them and then it becomes this whole am I just being selfish or am I doing the right thing or not and it's just feels like a jumbled frustrating mess comparative to this run on paragraph. And then you get to the thought is this my autism or is this what other humans go through because you're like is this an autism thing or is this just a human thing but you don't know because you don't know what it's like to not have autism and you think that because you have autism you think that all your social weird things are autism but you're not sure. And then that leads you to the thought I wish I didn't have autism because then I'd always know what to say and I wouldn't be such a weirdo and then you beat yourself up. But then you remember that everybody goes through things, that everybody has their quirks that they don't understand; or quirks that make them feel like they don't belong or that they're different or that they're weird and you feel a little more normal. Is normal even a real thing I guess you could say typical (but how many people are typical now a-days). And it's not like that with everybody because you don't care about everybody in the way you care about certain people so it's like certain peoples thoughts and feelings mean more so it's like if you say the wrong things to others even by accident it's not as bad because you're not as worried about them and their thoughts and how they feel about things Because you're just trying to do your best and if they don't then you're not as concerned as you would be as if it was someone more important to you. But with certain people in your life it feels like what if I say the wrong thing and I lose that person I care about and then you're like what do I do what do I do and then you spend the next hour overthinking and freaking out when in most cases it probably wasn't anything you need to freak about it in the first place and you're really just getting inside your own head. I haven't learned what I always need to do in every situation but I'm learning and hopefully one day I'll be better at it (I'm a lot better at it then when I started this journey). Because the frustrating part about autism is most things that people just know how to do socially already it's like you have to learn them so it's like tougher in ways. Not impossible never forget that but it can be tougher I like the example of climbing a mountain with your feet, just your feet, like yeah you can do it but it's a lot harder than using your arms as well as your feet. But then you're reminded that as humans we all go through life and have to learn things. We're all just learning different things some of us maybe learning how to tie are shoes while others are learning how to do a certain job or to cook a certain recipe or anything in between but we're all learning some thing every day. Just remember yes you might not know the right thing to say that's OK because eventually you probably will you might have to make a few mistakes but eventually you'll understand and you won't make so many mistakes. Just don't beat yourself up because you're trying your best even if people don't see it even if only you see it we're all making those steps to be better just remember to keep trying to be better every day and eventually you'll get it pretty well.
In the words of Natsu Dragneel - "Don't give up, the beginning is always the hardest, so let's keep on going till the very end"
So even if you feel like giving up and that nothing you say is right nothing you do is going to be right or that anything you try will be the right answer. You just got a try because it usually ends up being a lot less tougher than you thought. Always Remember at the end of the day it will okay.
Wishing you nothing but the best, J.T.
1-16-20
