lately things have been a lot. lately I feel I haven't been able to anything right whether that's relationships school or everything in between. I mean I'm not getting A's in class when I thought I would be. I still don't have a job. I'm constantly finishing work at the last minute and I just feel like a burden to everyone around me. I have felt this way a lot in my life but lately all I can see is my mistakes and what I'm doing wrong and not what I'm doing right cause it feels like I'm not doing anything right but it feels more like I'm just surviving. it sucks cause I feel like all the people that have been close aren't around. Kyle moved to Wayne state university. I haven't seen joe as much since I got my license. and other people are just busy or new to my life. even Michaela says she's just done. I mean I don't blame her cause I tend to make the same mistakes over on a constant loop sometimes I feel like I'm living an episode of groundhog day. and then on top of all that I'm supposed to be leading a campus ministry and helping other areas but everything seems to go wrong. but I know things will get better they always do...but I wanna talk for a moment what I wish my life was like in my perfect world.
In my perfect world I was born in idk 1997. March 10th is still fine but instead of being born to a father who didn't know what to do and a mother who abandoned me and born with autism. I was born in a loving Christian household with parents who never divorced and with a brain that was just like your average person. I would have been home schooled so that I wouldn't have to be bullied and misunderstood but I would've been apart of a church and my different social activities as a kid. I would be well liked by all my peers and respected by everyone. I would have never went to any mental hospitals taken any mental drugs or pulled any stunts as child or had any problems at school or with school. I would have gotten my license as a teenager and my sibling would enjoy my company. I would always friends who were there for me and enjoyed my company and would never hurt me, back stab me, or just be my friend out of pity. I would have grown up just like everyone else. I would have went to college soon after high school and I'd already have a degree. I'd have an amazing girlfriend/fiancé who loved me cause I didn't constantly make the same mistakes or be super clingy. I'd live on my own and I'd have all my things in order. I'd be loved by everyone and most of all my girl. People would see me and just wanna be like me or want my help with things cause I would be so together. I would also never have had any of the issues I've had or went through all the pain that I've been through. My life would be normal not perfect but I wouldn't be the person I am. I hate the way I was born and the hand I was dealt, but I can't have that perfect life because I went through the exact opposites. I have no one on earth only myself and the people who try to help but give up because I'm too much, just like my mother gave up so eventually does everyone. I wish I could be someone else but I can't so I have to keep working on myself and not give up. maybe one day I'll have something similar to that I'll never know if I give up though. I just wish I had someone to talk to who understands me and who knows me. who I can lean on. but things will get better, they will, I have to keep going no matter how alone I feel or no matter how much I wanna die or how much I miss certain people. I have to keep going not just for others but for myself. I need to change more.
P.S. I have more to write I just needed to write that now. I needed to let my feelings out because lately I've been overwhelmed. but ill write more I just need to get a job and work some things out. I know what I want to say but I'm not ready yet there needs to be change first.
