Dear Maria

Chapter 1 - New Kid

'Maria, get up. Now. You're going to be late for school.' My heavy eyelids forced themselves to open, as I rolled over reluctantly. School. The one word that sent a panic through my veins. The people, the lessons, why did it have to exist? Once certain I was awake, my mum left my room, pulling the door slightly shut behind her. I groaned, rolling out of bed, pulling up the blinds. My phone bleeped. Spinning round, I picked it up, realising it was the alarm I'd set. 'Guess I should go shower then'. I hated being awake usually, but today, something felt diferent. Like, it was especially today that I just wanted to crawl under my duvet for hours. Ignoring my entising thoughts, I grabbed out some ripped skinny jeans, a Bring Me The Horizon shirt, converse and underwear. Fifteen minutes later, I emerged from the bathroom, my hair soaked. My brother came trailing up the stairs, carrying two plates of toast. 'Brekafast, and make sure you eat it'. Rolling my eyes, I took the plate from him and disapeared into my room. 'Hair dryer, hair dryer, hair dryer'. Pulling open any random drawer, I eventually found what it was I was looking for. Thankfully, my hair is naturally stairght, so all it took was a quick blast with the hair dryer to sort it out. Pulling a brush through my soft mahogany hair, I'd finally finshed. I sighed. 'Oh. Yeah. Bandages.' Wrapping fresh bandages around my wrists, I pulled on a jacket and my bag. I glanced at the food laying on my side table. The thought was already making me sick. 'Maybe..if I just hide it?' The controlling proportion of my brain done as suggested, throwing the toast in the bottom of my waste paper basket, piling pieces of old paper above it. Hearing my mum shout my name, I trudged out of my bedroom, down the carpeted stairs.

Deciding not to take a ride, I enjoyed the blissful walk to the world of hate I was going to encounter. The anxiety began to rise in me, as I began to see more and more teens, signalling I was close to school. I hoped that perhaps it wouldn't be such a bad day, I mean, it was the first day back. After one long boring summer of therapy and hospitals and sleeping, reality had snapped back into shape and before I knew, I'd arrived at my school gates. Sucking in a breath of air, I placed my trembling legs over the line that marked free space and this hell hole. I kept my head bowed, placing in my earphones as I walked across the school grounds into the main building. People stared, I expected it. I'm the emo of the school with selective mutism, theres nothing else I can expect other than glances from every angle. My only aim for today was to get out at the end of the day without leaving a class early. As simple as a task it sounds, it's one of the hardest things for me not to do. Luckily, most of my teachers do now understand not to ask me to speak in class, but it's still a harrowing thought that they'll call my name out. Shuddering the thoughts out of my mind, I made my way towards my form room, hoping there'd be enough time for me to still listen to music. I pulled out my phone, checking the time. '8:30. Okay that should be enough time'. I spoke aloud to myself, yet made sure it was no more than a mummur under my breath. Nodding my head, I carried on through the hall, eventually winding up outside the class. I paused. On my tiptoes, I stared nervously throught the glass pane in the door, deciding if the people inside would cause much attention. Do I go in? Maria don't be stupid, you have to go inside. Theres another thing wrong with me - the imaginary voice inside me that makes split decisions for my body even if I don't want what it tells me. It's quite sad really, how easily I'm influenced by literally an imaginary person. Siding with it as always, I shifted from one foot to another, but somehow plucked upthe courage to go inside. There was Emily, the geeky girl with her head wrapped into a book, Bryan who was working from a maths textbook, Lillie - a slightly dopey girl who if left alone would be a major danger to herself and our form tutor, Miss Hauls. Carefully shutting the door not to cause a disturbance, I shuffled to my seat at the back of the class and carried on listening to music. Before I knew, several others had joined the class, and it was already officially form time. I sat there in agrovation as the typical things were read out about the new year; 'New club here' and 'Student joining that'. None of it went into me, my mind sat there blank, waiting for the short morning session to end.

I emerged into the blank hallway fifteen minutes later, already feeling drained. Rolling my eyes, I carried on anyway towards my first lesson - maths. Of all the subjects to have on the first day back, it just had to be maths didn't it. Following the flow of the kids, I held the ends of my sleeves in my hands and dragged my feet towards the maths block. Moments later, I was at the door of my lesson, once again trembling. Everyone else was walking in, so why not me? Taking a breath, I walked in with three other kids, and took a seat at the back. Now you just gotta get through maths, don't be such a baby. Letting the thoughts pass through my mind, I pulled out a text book, waiting for my new maths book to be passed along to me. Right on que, Rihanna tossed it at me, her eyes glaring. What I'd done to her I'll never know, but her and the little clique of popular girls always had it in for me. It sucked that there was always at least one of them in my lesson. I bit my lip nervously, giving her the slient treatment as I felt her eyes glare into me as she turned back around. The lesson was already off to a bad start, great, just what I needed. Then, he walked in. His eyes were a deep brown, black almost. His hair was a chesnut colour and he looked like he hadn't shaved in a few days. He wore a maroon crew neck jumper, with black torn skinny jeans and black vans, topped with a beanie. The teacher gave him a death glare for walking in late. Although, I'd never seen him before. He noticed her glare as he interuppted her teachings, but gave her a note. With a stone cold expression, she read it and nodded her head slightly. Following her eyes, he walked towards the back of the class. I looked at the empty seat next to me, and then back at him. Don't! Too late. He slumped in the seat next to me, slinging off his bag and grabbing out the same text book as I had. I squeezed my eyes tight, trying not to allow myself to stare at him again, I was sure he'd notice if I did. Yet, when I opened my eyes to peer at my maths book, it was infact him staring at me. He looked curious, confused almost. Just as confused, I stared back at him. What was he doing? Obviously the word hadn't yet reached of my state. The boy shook his head at me, mouth slightly open and resumed to staring blankly at the front. With alot of strength, I done the same, and tried not to look at him again. Although, soon enough, I found myself gazing at him again, but this time noticing his features. His hair was slightly messy, edges sticking out of his beanie, his fringe swooped to the left. The stubble on his face made him seem older than 16 like the rest of us, although he still had a very childish look in his eyes. The sweater he wore looked new, with a small crest on it. Unfortunately, I couldn't read what it said. His jeans were coal black, with tears in the knees that looked intended and his vans looked as new as his jumper. He noticed me staring. I panicked and held onto my sleeves, not sure what to do. The rest of the class were chattering whilst getting on with the work set. Then. He spoke.

'Hi, erm, Im Alex. You?'. My jaw clamped shut, refusing so much as a whisper to escape. Cringing, I just shook my head. 'You don't have a name?' he continued, seeming amused by the topic. Struggling to think, I grabbed a piece of paper instead. 'Im Maria. I kinda don't speak'. Shaking, I threw him the note, and bowed my head. 'Maria? Ohh, you're the one with the selective mutism. Well, nice to meet you anyways'. My body flinched from the words - you're the one. I hated being categorized, and his choice of words just meant that I'd been already spoken about. Biting my lip again, I nodded, pulling on my sleeves more. God, just let this lesson be over already. He smiled kindly, opening his mouth to speak again 'Well, erm, if you need anything, just ask. Or write I guess'. Again I nodded, then resumed my work. Why did I have to be like this? Why couldn't I just be simple like the other kids, without so many issues. Stop feeling sorry for your self, you know you deserve it. This time, I had to hold back the tears. Inside, I believed the voice was right, I did deserve this.

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A.N

Hey so new fanfic :) this one will last quite a while and it's super long but I hope you enjoy reading cause I've got so much already written ahah.

I'm pretty happy with how this ones going, the cover will be uploaded soon I need to create one. Anyways, have a nice day guys