Everything left to complain about (stopped) (go read my other poem book)

when will you go back to normal?

you were so alive, you got so excited about the little things,
like the mint chocolate chip ice cream you were going to eat from a mug with your favorite spoon.
you sent me things and you knew you looked good.
you didn't worry about what i thought of your body.
you didn't have any interest in comparing yourself to me.
you seemed too happy when you admitted you hadn't eaten anything. you cant do that. i know you like cheez its so i bought you some at the cvs.
you looked at the box and ate 11 and closed the box.
but it's fine, because you're eating dinner when you go home.
you tell me what's going on, but i'm supposed to not worry because according to you it always goes away and you always snap out of it.
you did snap out of it. you were fine later that week.
i didn't really understand but i was glad you were okay.

i woke up sick that morning in september, then you got sick too, and i was worried about you. you didn't eat anything the day before. except a cracker. it's always a cracker. what's with you and your crackers?

i'm not supposed to worry again because according to you itll go away. and it did go away. you were fine later that week.

then later in september it came back. is this what you meant? it didn't really go away if it keeps coming back. you're acting weird when we get dinner now. if you don't get food you get diet coke and then you get hungry later and ask me for food and eat so much of it that you say you feel bad and i don't know what i'm supposed to do at that point. and if you do get food you make a bunch of excuses to ruin it for yourself. or you sit there on my phone customizing the order until it's the absolute lowest possible amount of calories you can make it and you cry if you can't find the perfect adjustments.
you even put your bread on the table to get germs on it so you wouldn't eat it.
you claim to be not eating meat or dairy so you can avoid eating pizza from jules but then you get chicken nuggets at chick fil a. you're confusing me and you're confusing yourself.
and when you get the kids meal that you were angry about being called a kids meal, you chew up your food and spit it out into a napkin and put it back into the bag when you thought i wasn't looking.
you don't have enough energy anymore. you don't like your body anymore and it shows. even when you buy a pretty new bralette and look in the mirror and say you look hot you're not talking about your body, you're talking about what you're wearing on it. you put your hand around my waist and then slowly you put your hand around your own. you know that's wrong. you know that's a terrible thing to do.
all you ever think about is food. you take pictures of all of your meals. is that normal? do you just like taking pictures? you start smiling when you tell me you ate a sandwich.
you were lying. i know your signs. it's not funny. it's not funny to me.
you won't even say anything except telling me to go straight instead of turning on the way to chipotle to pick up our food.
you got a salad and you showed me how watery it was but you still ate every last bite of it. i only had less than half of mine and you seemed subtly panicked by that. you say we should go get ice cream to share it but it's only because you're hungry enough to eat an entire container of it. you pick out candy too.
you eat most of what we got. i don't understand why.
you complain about looking the same for months and i can't say anything because you won't listen to me when i say you've shrunk. it's obvious that you have. you said your favorite jeans don't stay up anymore. you keep pricking yourself with the safety pin holding your skirt around your waist. you didn't need those pins in the summer. you seem stuck in this cycle. you're not even getting what you want out of it. you're just making yourself miserable. you need to get help. i'm so tired of this. when will you go back to normal?
-love,
your girlfriend.

january 29