not edited
eighteen::flashback five
"Lights will guide you home,
And ignite your bones,
And I will try to fix you"
~Fix you, Coldplay
---
"Remember when you made me your wingman?" Zayn quipped up from where he was sitting on Paddy. "When you were questioning your sexuality and made me help you with hooking up with people?"
Zayn didn't know what he was doing. It had been one and a half month into Liam's coma and Zayn had nothing to do besides talk to his unconscious form.
"That phase... I used to think that phase was the one that hurt the most," Zayn admitted, fiddling his fingers, "But then this happened and now I'm not even sure."
"I'm so tired of crying, Li." he sobbed, "I'm so fucking tired. They say you'll be up soon. When? Liam, I need to know. This isn't.. this isn't fair."
Zayn knew he was being irrational. He knew that it wasn't Liam's fault. But he needed somebody to blame it all on, because he was still the same coward.
"I'm sorry, Li. I just miss you... and I really love you too. And I... don't even know anymore." Zayn sobbed, his words laced with his hiccups.
^*^*^*^*^*^
"That one." Liam whispered, pointing towards a ginger haired boy dancing in the middle of the club.
"What?" Zayn asked, trying to act oblivious. "Oh don't act stupid, Zee." Liam grinned, "Hook me up with that ginger goodness."
Zayn swallowed thickly, rubbing his face with his hands. He honestly didn't even want to attend this party, but Liam had dragged him down here, saying something about how much he loved Zayn....
..for hooking him up with people.
"Fine," Zayn sighed, "But call Niall for me, will you? I don't want to be left alone. Again."
Liam nodded with a sheepish grin, shooting Niall a text. "Now go!" Liam chuckled, pushing Zayn towards the dance floor.
"I hate you," Zayn shouted to Liam, before lowering his voice, "Because its so hard loving you."
And Zayn wished more than anything that Liam had heard him.
---
Zayn sipped on his coke as he watched the ginger guy named Gavin, interact with Liam.
After successfully luring Gavin towards Liam with some suggestive eyebrow gestures, he had plopped down onto his seat and had started cursing the world, cursing Gavin for being so touchy towards Liam, cursing the bartender for not giving him a drink because 'he was not old enough', and cursing Liam for being so a hot and sexy ignorant ass.
He hated life.
His fists clenched as he watched Gavin whisper something in Liam's ear and how Liam blushed. 'That should be me,' Zayn thought, "But it isn't.'
Zayn jumped when Niall touched his shoulder. He turned around to see his blonde haired friend. "Hey." Niall said with a slight smile, "Liam told me to pick you up?"
"He did?" Zayn sighed, watching Liam leave with Gavin with sad eyes, "Yeah, I guess. Let's go."
Niall was upset watching Zayn struggle. He knew he loved Liam. But the only person who could help Zayn with his problem was Zayn himself.
"So, wanna watch some movies at my place?" Niall asked, reversing the old-pick up truck. "Sure." Zayn shrugged, before directing his gaze outside the window. The rest of the ride was silent, the soft sound of the music on the radio circling them.
Niall left Zayn on the couch, going to the kitchen to get some drinks. He came out, his arms loaded with snacks but he immediately dropped them on the table when he saw Zayn.
His raven-haired friend was tugging at the roots of his hair, tears dropping from his eyes as he sobbed. "Zee," Niall mumbled, engulfing his best friend, "Zee, it's okay. Let it all out."
Zayn knew it was time to take out all of the sentiments he had bottled up. He sobbed and hiccuped, cried and wept, clawed and clutched, and yet his feelings were yet to be unravelled.
"I don't understand, Niall," Zayn sobbed into his friend's chest, "Am I not good enough? Am I so invisible that Liam just overlooks me? Why does it hurt so much, Niall? Why?"
Zayn leaned into Niall's touch when he started rubbing his back. 'Hey now," Niall mumbled, "You're amazing, Zayn. I'm sure Liam is just a dick-ass. He's just taking his time trying to pinpoint where his feelings lie."
"That's what my father said, you know? Said Liam was going to take his time. I've waited for so long, Niall. I'm seventeen now, its been 4 years! How do I cope with this?" Zayn whimpered. Niall sighed and cuddled Zayn closer, whispering soothing words into his ear. He knew they wouldn't work so he let Zayn do what he did best.
He let him cry.
---
"You were such an ignorant bastard, Liam," Zayn muttered, nuzzling his head into Liam's arm, "But I loved you. And I still love you. And I want to keep loving you, so please wake up."
Liam didn't budge. Liam didn't move. Liam didn't speak. Liam lay emotionless and motionless. And Zayn was slowly getting used to it.
After all, ignorance was bliss.
--
So sorry for not updating sooner! Love you :)
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~Harry
YOU ARE READING
eighteen ➸ ziam au
Fanfiction❝kiss me where i lay down, my hands press to your cheeks. a long way from the playground❞ as zayn sat next to the hospital bed, his eyes fixed on liam's bloody face, the only thing going through his head was that it was his fault. - © a.
