Clean [Kaylor]

8. She built a fire just to keep me warm

Three years and a half years ago.

"Say, Taylor, is it true that Jake Gyllenhaal broke up with you?" your friend Britany ask, sitting on your bed next to Abigail, your other childhood friend, with the typical face of someone who's in the mood for some serious gossip.

You roll your eyes so hard that they might get stuck in the back of your head.

"As if," you snort, and they both laugh.

"Yeah, who would be that stupid to dump Taylor Swift?" Abigail jokes, knowing well that you and Jake were only a PR stunt.

"Y'all, I was just joking," Britany defends herself. "I was just wondering why you decided to be the one who got dumped and not the other way around. Like Abby said, who would be stupid enough to dump Taylor Swift?"

You sigh. This is definitely not your favorite subject to touch, and you can't understand why your friends are always so eager to talk about your fake love life. It's probably because your beards of choice are always super famous singers or actors and the forbidden dream of every girl out there.

"My publicist thinks it's a better narrative. That it would give me more material to write new songs, something like that. I think it's fucking stupid, but she knows how to do her job better than I do, I guess."

"Do you think he'd want another blonde girl from Pennsylvania, even if she's not as tall as you and definitely not as famous? He's sooooo dreamy, I wouldn't mind dating him and then getting dumped by him."

You fake a retching sound. You really cannot see what people find so attractive about Jake.

"Brits, he's gay!" you remind her. "That's why we entered this contract in the first place, remember?"

"I know," she sighs. "Such a waste, let me tell you."

"Can we not talk about this, please? It's already hard enough to have every single person who interviews me asking about my dating life, I don't need this from my closest friends."

"Come on, Taylor! Like it's really that hard to tell a couple of lies about dating a hottie!" Abigail exclaims, not realizing how hurtful that comment is to you.

"Yeah, I mean, it's kinda like when we were teenagers and we used to make up different identities every time we were meeting someone at the mall, or on holiday. Only this time you get to say that you're the girlfriend of one of the most popular actors of the moment and people totally believe you! How fucking cool is that?"

"Yeah, right," you grumble. You know that Abigail and Britany are not trying to be mean to you, and that they're not as shallow as their words make them sound; they simply cannot understand what it's like to constantly live a lie and to be repeatedly judged on that and not on your actual career and talent. "You guys only see the fun part in that, but trust me, this is anything but cool or fun. It's like... I don't know... it's like if your finals at university got graded based on who you're sleeping with and not on your knowledge of the subject. Would that make you happy?"

"Not really, no... but the difference is that we are forced to take finals so we can graduate, and we don't make money out of it, while you sell millions of copies and get a shitload of money. There must be a price to pay for that, and I guess this is yours."

Britany is not entirely wrong. It's your price to pay, you know it and you've accepted that. Just a few months ago you were sobbing in your mother's arms because the hard work you put into Speak Now went almost unrecognized, while everyone was talking about your dating life, and you decided you were going to play the game. This is what you've signed up for, so even if it doesn't make you happy, you can't really complain. It's just that... you'd hoped that you could at least whine a little with your best friends. Apparently, you were wrong.