Sex With a Ghost

There's a Funeral Down the Street

Theodore Driscoll

That's my name.
Here I was, 23 years old. Not a penny to my name, an aspiring musician hooked on Opioids.

"Hey, Ted do you fancy going to a funeral tomorrow?" Teresa asked as I grabbed my mail from my mailbox.

"Who's funeral?" I asked, making my way to the elevator.

"I don't know, just some guy. He's going to be buried in that fancy ass cemetery, the 'C.D' one."
She pressed the button to the 4th floor.

I shake my head at her.
"What's with you and crashing funerals, Terry?" She shrugs her shoulders and we exit the elevator.

"Has your landlord kicked you out yet?" She asks as we walk into my apartment. I throw the letters on the tiny table in the middle of the kitchen and pop the kettle on.

"Why would you say that?" I asked sarcastically, sifting through the piles upon piles of letters.
Gas Bills.
Electric Bills.
Repo notice.
More Bills.
Bills.
Bills.
Bills.
Eviction notice.

"Tea please." I say as I sit on the counter, leaving Teresa to finish making our drinks.

She busies herself around the kitchen grabbing the milk from the fridge and the sugar from the cupboards.
"Is this how you treat all your guests?" She places my cup down next to me as I laugh.

"No. Just you, babydoll." I playfully wink at her.

"Where are you going to go when you do get kicked out?" She says as she stirs her drink with the acrylic nail on her pinky.

I just shrug in response and I pick up the last piece of mail...
A black envelope sealed with red wax.

A bit dramatic but it definitely caught my attention. I threw all the other envelopes into the small bin by my foot.

"Hey Terry, check it out." I show her the ominous envelope and carefully broke the wax seal and began to read out loud.

"Dear Mr Theodore C. O'Driscoll II," well that sounds fancy, I didn't know I was the second. I chuckle at the unnecessary extravagance but continue to read,
"We regret to inform you of the passing of your grandfather Mr Theodore C O'Driscoll," I paused the smile dropping from my face and I reread the name. I was named after my grandfather, and now he's dead.

I continue reading.
"Your grandfather's funeral has been arranged as per his wishes, he will be buried at the C.D cemetery at precisely 11am on the 18th. Please meet Mr Smith at the funeral home at 3pm to discuss your late grandfathers will..."

"Oh shit dude, I'm so sorry." Teresa says quickly wrapping her arms around me in a tight hug.

"I guess this means we're both going to that funeral." I say taking another sip of tea and popping a pill into my mouth.

*

The funeral was beautiful. Is that what people are supposed to say?

There were many people there but no one me and Terry knew. Terry let me borrow one of her dad's suits, but I looked like a child playing dress up, especially now when I was surrounded by so many people that were so much older than me.

Over the next few hours we made small talk and helped ourselves to the buffet.

It was a closed casket funeral so I didn't get to see the man I was named after, and no one spoke about him so I didn't really get to know much about him either.

Once the funeral was over Terry went home and I headed to the funeral home.

It didn't take long to find the building and the meeting with Mr Smith wasn't long either. I knew what he was going to say. I was my grandfather's only living relative. The last of the bloodline. I knew I had inherited it all.

"So how much money?" I asked throwing my legs up on the table and fixing my tie.

"Well, you see mr O'Driscoll.."

"Just Driscoll. I don't know when the O was dropped but it's just Driscoll now."

"Of course, my apologies. Mr Driscoll, your grandfather was a very wealthy man, and although he has left you a large sum.. he has also left you the deeds to the family home." Mr Smith said with a ridiculous smile.

"He didn't have a home. He lived in an old people home, my mum sold his house." I stated, giving up on the tie and taking it off completely and undoing the top button of my shirt.

"Oh no, not the home he was living in, the family home, Mr Driscoll. It says here it has been in your family since a fellow named Cornelius O'Driscoll bought the house in the 1600's."

Then it clicked.

My great, great great GREAT Grandfather, Cornelius O'Driscoll. He was a very rich man. He owned a lot of land that, over the years, was left to his descendants. My mother told me all the time that one day it might be my turn to own the family treasure. Most of his property was sold, but not the house he lived in. When the old man died, his house was left to his son, and his son after him and so on and so forth.

I assumed my mother had inherited the house and it, along with everything else she owned, was auctioned off when she died. Cancers a bitch.

after a while of signing papers I was sent on my way with keys and deeds to my own home.