"Crawling back to you, ever thought of calling when you've had a few? Cause I always do."- A.M, 2013.
TW; UNDERAGE DRINKING AND SMOKING
Start date: 01/16/2021
End Date: Undetermined.
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I'm selfish. I know i'm selfish. I know Saku cheats on me. I know why she cheats on me. I've know her 'secret' since we were five and she told me that girls were pretty and asked me why girls had to marry boys. I didn't know what she meant.. that was until the ripe age of fifteen when I was friends (with benefits) with Osamu until he decided he wanted to be just friends and told me by getting a girlfriend six months later.
It's how I found out I didn't like labels, but unlike Suka I didn't solely like the same gender, I liked both. I know that I have a crush on a completely different girl and I know we're only together to make our parents happy. I think she knows the last two as well, but she can't break up with me, her parents would be furious, her only way out is me breaking up with her. I feel stuck in this relationship, I want to break up with her, to set her free. I've been putting it off, I know my parents wouldn't mind but to put it quite frankly, breakups are tough even if you don't like or love each other romantically.
So as I stand here staring at the scene in front of me a few thoughts run through my head, let me list them in order
1. This is the first time I've actually caught her 'cheating'
2. I wonder how uncomfortable Suka feels right now?
3. I'm a terrible, terrible shitty person.
She's looking at me frozen between awe and guilt. Then I did the only thing that felt right, not thinking about the other people around us who are clearly staring. I smile and nod. I don't feel hurt, my ego feels a little deflated and embarrassed that other people can see this interaction, but otherwise I'm fine.
I'm fine? Without thinking I pull out my phone,
Scarlet <3 ;P
Enjoy the party for now, we'll talk later.
Are you sure?
Yeah, to be fair, I've been putting this conversation off, u know that too and its unfair to u.
Read 9:34 P.M
ꕥ𖠌☯︎︎꧁꧂☯︎︎𖠌ꕥ
...
"You leave me uptight Strung up like a kite Dumb, wicked, and white Love me in spite And if I betrayed our lonely nights Spent out like a light With no kiss goodnight Would we never fight when I'm away?"
Despite the songs playing, it still seemed quiet. music went in one ear and out the other.
Almost like it was static, but it was also warm and inviting. The party was over, he was in the passenger seat, black out drunk. He'd given up on slurring non-sensical words around 20 minutes ago. I enjoy these moments, the only time my thinking slows, if only I could stop thinking at all-shit- that sounds so emo.
All I mean is, life would be so much better if we all just did instead of thinking all the time.
"Did your mother always seem to hate me? I'm sicker every day and now I'm terrified of talking to my friends only to stay still"
You know, it's always a struggle when you over think about things, grades, relationships, sexuality.
Especially for someone like me, I spiral a lot when I think I'm on the verge of failing, but at the same time my laziness coincides with my need to be perfect. Nothing I'd say out loud though, it feels like the better I do, higher the expectation get, the more pressure I get put on me. It makes me feel like I won't reach and then I fail, so instead I settle on average. No expectations to meet, but there are still expectations? People 'believing' in me?
