one

ten

It had been a week since I had slept over at Maeve's and things were still ridiculously awkward between us. Initially it had seemed as though we would be fine, she was happy to see me when she finally woke up and we walked to school together, chatting as if it was a regular morning. It was soon obvious, though, that something had changed. Whether it was seeing Maeve in such a vulnerable state or just spending more time with her, at some point our friendship seemed to have shifted into an uncomfortable unknown territory and to say I no longer knew how to approach her normally, would be an incredible understatement. In fact, it had become so bad that I was starting to think everyone at school knew I liked her except Maeve herself. 

She could be so dense about things like that. The girl who effortlessly racked out ten essays a night suddenly became totally incapable of understanding basic human signals, translating stammered compliments and invitations to hang out more often as declarations of friendship. It wasn't making it any easier that we had exams so even the lessons I had with her were silent and difficult to read. 

I got up from my desk and walked to the front of the room, my history paper held out in front of me, "I've finished sir, can I go?" Mr Mackels waved me off, grabbing my paper from me, gesturing for me to get my things and ushering me out the door. I sighed and leant against the wall, so far exams had been simple, weirdly easy in fact and I had suddenly gained a lot of free time between lessons when people were still working. I picked up my notebook and walked to the asbestos toilets, desperate to find something to do with the next half an hour. Try as I did, I couldn't shake this confusion over Mave out of brain, instead it seemed to intensify the more I tried not to think about it. I put my headphones in, blocking out the chatter in my brain and sighed letting the familiar song wash over me like a breath of fresh air.  

Unfortunately the breather was cut short when the next song came on. 

3. You're in my head by Rusty Clanton

I groaned and ran my hands through my hair, angry at myself for being such an idiot. I had barely known Maeve three months. I mean sure we spent all possible available time together but I wasn't supposed to be so fucking hung up over a girl. Least of all someone who had quickly become one of my best friends and who if I lost I would be left devastated.

Back in Oxford, I had been caught in a similar situation. A friend and I had been out late drinking, ended up playing truth or dare together and, eventually, kissing. What was somewhat affirming for me, in not only recognising my sexuality but crush on her too, soon turned to shit when my parents walked in on us. They wasted no time in kicking me out the house, not that I would have wanted to stay anyway, particularly because my friend had told the rest of our school year what had happened and people can be dicks. The last thing I wanted was a repeat of that. Even though my friend going behind my back had totally killed my thing for her, making it a million times easier to uproot my life, the fact she was able to stay comfortably in Oxford still felt incredibly cruel. 

Steps approached, interrupting my thoughts and I looked up. One reason I liked the toilets in the first place was that they were peaceful, totally hidden away from the rest of the school and so few people spent time there that who you ran into was pretty predictable. Sure enough the slightly heavier footsteps suggested Maeve. I pulled one of my headphones out and frantically rearranged my hair, trying to look as though I wasn't expecting her. In my weird excitement I knocked over my guitar, which had been leaning next to me against the wall, tripped over my foot and landed smack bang in the middle of my face, just as Maeve came within viewing distance.

"Idiot" she said, grinning, sauntering over to where I, now, lay on the floor, "you know snowflake, we all get you're a little odd but hurling yourself on the floor every five minutes seems a little extreme". I got up with as much dignity as I could possibly muster "For your information" I looked at her directly in the eyes, relishing how she squirmed a little under my gaze, "I didn't hurl myself, I fell". She rolled her eyes at me, trying not to laugh, "whatever helps you sleep at night". 

I opened my mouth, gasping uselessly in response. Maeve smiled slightly at my incompetence and continued "anyway I was wondering, there's a party later and I'm going to go and if you wanted to come to mine before hand, we could hang out, I just thought it would be fun, it's fine if you don't want too though". I smiled slightly, watching her face contort into different emotions. "I'd love too dickhead. I've got an exam at two thirty and then I have to pop home and grab some clothes, but I could be there at four". She gave me a withering look "Soph you know that gives you half an hour to do the exam" I bit the inside of my cheek, trying not to smile at the nickname: "just watch me". I picked my things up and mimicked her aloof entrance, spinning round to flip her off dramatically as I slid through the door.